Father Son

I Still Remember

I rubbed my daughter’s back last night as she cried in her sleep and wondered how many times you did that with me. I can still remember climbing in to your bed when I would get scared and have vowed to never deny my children that luxury.

I think about how proud you must have been when I scored a big goal or made a nice catch. My kids do those things now and my heart swells with pride. Some people say not to over praise your children but I can never seem to stop myself. I wish I’d had the chance to trade these stories with you.

I remember how cool and calm you were when I’d get hurt. I channel that energy now when I see my children in pain, even though I am filled with nothing but panic. I’m guessing this is what all parents feel.

I wish I could ask you silly questions, like whether you smiled the way I do when we coloured nonsensical pictures for you, as my children do for me.

I still see the effects of the work you did to make our community a better place to live and hope I can live up to your level of commitment. There are so many times where I feel like I don’t have the energy and wonder how you accomplished all that you did. Because of you, I work harder so that my kids will see me as a difference maker someday.

You let me be my own person and make my own mistakes, while also giving me the chance to make up for those mistakes without violence or rage. Like the time I “borrowed” that money of your dresser… I’m still learning patience and I wish I had you here to tell me that it gets easier.

I remember a lot great times, which is what I hope for my children when I am gone. Even when I think about the tougher times, I find so many lessons that I can apply to my parenting today.

There are so many things I never got to say to you, so instead I make sure to say them to my children every single day.

Although you may not be here to lean on, I am doing my best with what you left behind so I can be the kind of father my children deserve. The kind of father I had in you.

21 replies
  1. Kristine
    Kristine says:

    Ick! Tears at 8am! It’s so nice to see you sharing. I know that a lot of people think strong silent type is the way to go when dealing with emotions; but as you know I believe strength comes from being aware of what you are feeling and being brave enough to share it. Loved reading this. I too miss you Dad very much… he wasn’t my Dad, but I did love home whole heartedly. You were lucky to have him, just as your kids are lucky to have you. xoxoxo

    Reply
  2. Iain Clogg
    Iain Clogg says:

    Chris, I thank you for this as it allows me to get to know the man who was, and always will be, your father. I am proud of you for putting yourself out there without fear. This is why you make top ten lists. Cheers

    Reply
  3. Louise
    Louise says:

    Beautiful, Chris, and I’m sure very bittersweet to write. I can see your Dad in you and the way you view life. Clearly, he left a lifelong imprint on your heart. How lucky your children are to know his kind of parenting through you. Happy Father’s Day.

    Reply
  4. Georgia
    Georgia says:

    Very touching and sweet my dear. His passion and energy came from wanting you and your brother to be happy in what ever you chose to do. I could write a book about it. You are doing a fine job as a father and a husband..he would be so proud of you and I’m thinking he is. Tine I know you said he wasn’t your Dad but he thought of you as his daughter and loved you as one.

    Okay that’s enough from me…love you guys!

    Reply
  5. Terry
    Terry says:

    What a beautiful tribute to you Dad, Chris! :’-). You have such a gift in your way with words… I would add that you pay a beautiful tribute to you Dad every single day, too, through your actions as a loving father and husband. I’m sure he is smiling down on you and your family with great pride. ((hugs))

    Reply
  6. Chandra Christine O'Connor
    Chandra Christine O'Connor says:

    great story, my dad passed away when he was 48 a yr after my wedding and my mom passed away 3 yrs after that, so I know about the what ifs

    Reply
  7. Christine
    Christine says:

    Beautiful post, Chris. Such a great tribute to your Dad. Clearly, your amazing parenting (I have witnessed firsthand) is quite telling if the relationship you had with your Dad. Keep writing beautiful, heart-felt, real posts 🙂 I love your blog.

    Reply

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