The Tooth Fairy Is An Extortionist

That’s right, I said it!

I am 33 years old.

I can remember the days of losing teeth and the excitement that would come over waking up the next morning to find a shiny quarter or two under my pillow.

I was having a very deep and serious chat with some friends the other night at a wedding.

We were laughing at old(er) people dancing and somehow the topic of missing teeth came up, to which one friend had an interesting story to share about his children.

He said that one of his children had just lost a tooth and after researching with other parents, he found that the going rate on teeth these days was about $5 a piece, so that’s what he paid.

I laughed at his hilarious joke and turned back to the dance floor. He then grabbed me by the arm, looked deep into my eyes and told me something I will never forget.

“I’m not joking man, the Tooth Fairy is a thieving little bitch and she charges $5 a tooth now!”

The words came at me in slow motion, like I was a stunned boxer who’d just had his bell rung.

This couldn’t be true! My kids hadn’t even lost any teeth yet and at this rate of inflation, by the time they do, I’ll be paying double that price!

“Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo” I yelled in the middle of the wedding.

Who does this chick think she is? Monopolizing the teeth market by being the only one who dares sneak into young children’s rooms at night to help herself to their lost ivory.

It’s common knowledge among adults that the money left under the pillow is not left there by the tooth fairy, but it is a bounty paid by parents so that the tooth fairy does her job properly.

Otherwise, the tooth would still be there in the morning and the parent would have to explain what happened. Explain why the Tooth Fairy doesn’t love their child.

Do you want to be that parent? DO YOU!?!?

My friend’s story got me panicking so I started to do some research of my own. The first person I asked was a colleague at work.

“I give $2 per tooth”…..”But I’m really cheap”

Bad Start! If the cheap guy is paying $2, that means I stand to be in big, big trouble.

Off to Facebook and Twitter for more guidance. The answers come flowing in like a tipped over truck filled with sewage.

“$2…$4…$5”, and then the bombshell hits as one parent tells me they paid $20 for the first and $5 for each subsequent lost tooth!!!

WHAT!?!?

The trend continues to confirm my fears that I will need to re-mortgage the house in order to pay for two kids to lose all their teeth.

It also puts the final nail in the “Should we have a third child” debate.

I’ve been racking my brain on ways to avoid this inevitable mess but so far I’ve only come up with one possible idea….

I’m going to try opening my own tooth fairy business! What do you think? It suits me, right?

We’ll see what the Tooth Fairy’s goons have to say about that but I’m ready for them.

No more will I stand idly by as she treats us parents like her slaves!!! We will band together to fight this injustice!

She may continue to try and take our hard earned money, but she will Never Take Our Freedom!!!!!

Who’s with me? What price does the Tooth Fairy charge at your house? Leave me a comment below and we can all share in each other’s misery…

Cheers!!

36 replies
  1. Vanessa
    Vanessa says:

    The tooth fairy always forgot to come to my house. In fact only Santa could be counted on in our house. Even the Easter Bunny was an unreliable jerk. Of course that could explain why my kids are a bit different.

    Reply
      • Vanessa
        Vanessa says:

        Oh the Easter Bunny always came, he was just a little late a couple of times.

        Son #1 “Mom the Easter Bunny hasn’t come yet”

        Mom “It’s too early, go back to bed and he’ll be here soon. It takes a long time to hop to all those houses”

        Reply
        • Lisa Leslie
          Lisa Leslie says:

          Vanessa,

          The tooth fairy was completely unreliable, especially if the tooth was lost on a weekend night. She really liked to sleep in and the excited children would wake up first. We had to explain to our kids that the population explosion caused too many houses to hit in one night when there was a high incident of tooth loss. 🙂

          Reply
    • Chris
      Chris says:

      Hahaha, about 15 minutes. I’m pretty good at paint, me and my boy draw monsters all the time, lol. It was photoshopping my face in there that took a while….Not good at that!

      Reply
  2. Ruff Ruminations
    Ruff Ruminations says:

    My son is 3.5 now and I don’t plan on paying more than a loonie MAYBE a twonie. I think coin is all you should get who cares what other parents are doing? All those $20 parents will probably buy their 16 yr old a car too. Nope this year for Christmas we did an advent giving forest and my son gave away all the money he got each day and he didn’t get more than $2 most was $0.25 or less. I want him to learn about money but not that it is all about getting.

    Reply
  3. Multi-Testing Mommy
    Multi-Testing Mommy says:

    The Tooth Fairy brings $2/tooth in our house. BUT our big problem was that my nephew announced to my daughter that the tooth fairy leaves his teeth for him – so after writing a letter to the Tooth Fairy explaining WHY my daughter wanted to keep her teeth, not only does the tooth fairy leave $2, but she also leaves the tooth – doesn’t that defeat the purpose? Oh well, neither here nor there.

    Reply
  4. Bruce Sallan (@BruceSallan)
    Bruce Sallan (@BruceSallan) says:

    Chris, stop with the self-deprication! I’m am SURE you have accomplished a great deal in your life! Bringing another life to this planet tops the list and CARING enough that you write about it is another.

    To be the BEST parent you can be, you follow your own path. Yes, take advice when it feels right, but disregard the other stuff. YOU choose what the tooth fairy is worth and that is YOUR home policy. Trust me, your kid’s peers will bring tons of competitive pressure home…it’s YOUR JOB to stand up for what you believe is right, not what their friend’s parents are doing!

    Hope you will join us at #DadChat tonight – we’re talking Family Fitness with experts @MizFitOnline and @Fitarella. Also, mark April 12 for a very SPECIAL #DadChat marking our 1-year anniversary with a guest host you will NOT want to miss!

    Reply
    • Chris
      Chris says:

      I’m just playing around, I don’t really care what other people are paying for the Tooth Fairy, I just like to write, lol.
      As for the self-deprecation in other posts, that’s what I do. I know that I am a good father and person, I just choose to write in this style because it’s where I’m most comfortable.
      I’m just being me and that’s all I’m really worried about. Thanks for the feedback though!

      Reply
  5. mamawee (ashley picco)
    mamawee (ashley picco) says:

    I think the tooth fairy is like all of the other characters – santa does different things at different houses (some houses he wraps presetns, some he doesnt etc) Growing up, I think we got a quarter a tooth, can’t remember but I do remember that a friend got a polly pocket, and I was super jealous

    Reply
  6. LaQuita (Just Us Girls)
    LaQuita (Just Us Girls) says:

    Five bucks?!?! Seriously?!

    That’s insane! There is no way “Our” Tooth Fairy brings my little ones that much. We don’t really have a set price on what she brings. Usually whatever change is around the house, usually a loonie, is what the kids get. My kids are four and six, they don’t need five bucks for when they loose their teeth.

    I remember getting a quarter and was so happy about that and most of the time I didn’t even know what to do with that, lol!

    Reply
  7. gingermommy
    gingermommy says:

    I can not believe you were laughing at old people dancing lol

    we paid $5 for our kids first tooth, then $2 for everyone after Sadly they sometimes come out without notice and you may not have change and need to give them a five. We have paid in quarters too before. Also we forgot once. So the Tooth fairy gave my son $20 bill the net night lol

    I remember when my oldest was in JK I thought all parents should agree on a certain rate so kids would not discuss this at school and feel ripped off

    Reply
  8. Sweety Darlin'
    Sweety Darlin' says:

    I never paid more than a BUCK! of course My girls are now 14 and 16 so I don’t know what the rate is now, but I will tell you this much. If you tell them sooner than later how that bitch doesn’t exist then you can just negotiate your way out of any cash at all!

    Once the whole Santa thing was resolved it was so much easier to do Christmas! Just get the lies out of the way and tell the truth then put on your Monty Hall hat and MAKE A DEAL!!!

    Reply
  9. Liz
    Liz says:

    Lol u look great as a Toothfairy lol better then the Rock ;)……At our house it’s $2 a tooth but one weekend Danielle lost her tooth at her dads and she got $5!!! What r ya doin to me MR but he didn’t have change and can’t wait for the younger ones to get a little older cause I sooo agree withSweetDarlin Xmas is so much easier!

    Reply
  10. Jennifer
    Jennifer says:

    wow, count me in on the cheap side! lol my kids won’t be getting any more than what coins are worth, the tooth fairy shouldn’t be bringing in dollar bills! lol that’s crazy talk. I always got a quarter. My kids will likely get a loony, twoonie at best

    Reply
  11. Stacey
    Stacey says:

    Yep, $5 a tooth here but it’s not by choice. It all started at their dads and now when they lose teeth at my house, I have to compete or explain to my kids why the Tooth Fairy doesn’t give as much money at their moms house. Don’t get me started on Christmas or Easter. lol

    Reply
  12. Shannon
    Shannon says:

    haha! loved the post 😀 I’ve got even worse news for you though, friend. I never had any kids. No Tooth Fairy extortion for me! muhahah 🙂

    Reply
  13. Tarasview
    Tarasview says:

    we leave a toonie usually… unless the tooth has to be yanked out by the dentist then the child gets money AND a bribery gift to make up for the fact that we allowed an evil agent of pain to rip out their teeth with weapons of not-so-mass destruction.

    Guilt. Nothing like it.

    Reply
  14. Emme Rogers
    Emme Rogers says:

    I’m completely with you. The parent that is paying their kid $20/tooth needs to give their head a shake. Absolutely ridiculous and sets the kid up for unrealistic expectations.

    A kids that age is thrilled with a quarter.

    Reply
  15. Vanessa
    Vanessa says:

    I am not cheep but we gave 1 or 2 dollars depending on what change I had in my pocket.. What part of Ottawa are you in? Most of the parents I asked never went higher.. But what kills me is that she my daughter fooled me for 2 years.. she is 11 now before she told me.. you know the tooth fairy does not exists thanks to her older cousins..

    Reply
  16. Chris Green
    Chris Green says:

    All of my children (6 total) were freaked out about someone or something coming into their bedrooms at night to take something from underneath where their head lay. So we had to tell them the truth.
    Little scaredy-cats saved me tons of $$$.

    Reply
  17. Happy Chinadoll
    Happy Chinadoll says:

    Never received money for a tooth – I have Asian parents.
    I dont understand the reason why the toothfairy would give a child money for a tooth in the first place…huh? I have not decided what to do with her first tooth…

    Reply
    • Chris
      Chris says:

      It’s true, who’s the idiot that started this tradition anyway?! I think we’ll just stick with a dollar so we can keep the fantasy alive. I’m not against the fantasy of fairies and Santa’s and all that but I am against breaking my bank account over it!

      Reply
  18. Evan Meck
    Evan Meck says:

    My boys have not yet lost a tooth, but in our house the toothfairy will be leaving coins. A quarter, maybe two seems like more than enough of a…reward? payment? We may do something special for the first tooth but bonus stuff will come from Mom and Dad, not the toothfairy. Committing to more $$$ from the start just won’t work for our bank account.

    Reply

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