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Canadian Dad Podcast - Blogger Mike Reynolds

Canadian Dad Podcast: Ep. 10 – Parenting Writer, Mike Reynolds

Today on the podcast I welcome Huffington Post contributor, children’s author and Puzzling Posts blogger, Mike Reynolds.

We took some time to discuss the different standards between men and women in sport, specifically speaking about Eugenie Bouchard and the Women’s World Cup of Soccer/Football.

This being Bell Let’s Talk day, we also get into a discussion about mental illness and share our personal stories. I believe that the stigma is slowly lifting and will only continue to fade as more people take a stand. The more we talk, the more we help.

As always, if you enjoyed the show, please take a minute to visit iTunes and leave a rating and review. That is how you get the show out to the world and I would be forever grateful! Have a great day!

It Never Truly Goes Away

No matter how often you open up about something such as mental illness, there is always that voice in your head that screams at you to keep your emotions bottled up inside. Why are you telling these people all of this stuff? They are just going to judge you and think that you are weak! Well, the truth is that I can be weak at times. In fact, I’m willing to bet that we all have weak moments in our lives. I also believe that it’s how we deal with those moments that determines our true strength.

This is especially true when talking about topics like anxiety and depression. Last year, I wrote about my struggle with anxiety and the effects it had on my family life. At the time, things were great and I felt like I had been cured of the disease that had plagued my brain for so long, but I have since come to realize that it never completely goes away.

These past few months, I have found myself growing increasingly restless. No matter how well things are going at my job, with my websites and my family life, I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I am not good enough, and for whatever reason, that makes me want to shut out the things that are most important in my life. That would be the main reason that both my websites went largely ignored throughout the month of December and why one of them continues to collect dust. You would think advocating and reading about kindness would have fixed my brain, but it did not.

It’s a very strange thing for me because I am generally a happy person and when you meet me in the street, at a party or a conference, you are not getting an act. It’s just one of those things that I work through on a daily basis and have to believe that the persistence will eventually pay off. I definitely find that since I have started opening up about it, there is a sense of relief that I don’t have to hide it anymore. Being perceived as weak was a good portion of the stress in the first place, but I’ve realized that I’m far too old and much too dad-ly to worry about that at this point. The important thing is that I continue working on myself and if I can help someone else in the process, it’ll be all the better.

I share these stories because I find it therapeutic and I also think it’s important that we all stop treating these symptoms as weaknesses and start letting others know that it’s okay to open up about it. The best thing I ever did was to seek help for my condition because even without the pills, it gave me a ton of ideas and exercises to try when I start getting those anxious feelings. Don’t wait until you are too far gone; if you are feeling symptoms of depression or anxiety, talk to someone about them. Whether it’s a doctor, a friend or family member, just saying the words for the first time is an empowering experience that can start you down the path to recovery.

The ER Doctor That Saved My Family and My Life

I don’t even remember his name, only the conversation we had in the white walled emergency room.

Dr: “You’ve been to the emerg a lot lately. What is it you think you have?”
Me: “I’ve been researching my latest symptoms and they closely resemble MS.”
Dr: “You don’t have MS. In fact, you don’t have anything that we can see and you’ve had almost every test we can give you.”
Me: “Well, something’s wrong with me!”
Dr: “Have you ever talked to a psychiatrist?”

This moment was my weakest point as a man. I sat in that emergency room, head in my hands, crying, reflecting on everything I had been through and the strain I had put on my family and every aspect of my life. The doctor was extremely respectful of my breakdown and referred me to the hospital’s psychiatry ward. This conversation and subsequent breakdown are the things that changed my life forever, in the best possible way.

I had been to the emergency room about 8 times that year and I had managed to keep the visits a secret from almost everyone. The routine was usually the same, I’d arrive at work, feel a small pain which I would turn into the absolute worst case scenario, panic my way to the emergency room, then wait 6 hours at the hospital only to be told I was fine and be home in time for dinner with nobody suspecting a thing. I kept it from everyone, including my wife, because I was embarrassed of how I was feeling and didn’t want to portray weakness in front of her or my newborn son.

I can only guess the strain I was putting on my wife during this time. I say ‘guess’ because when you are anxious and depressed, the only thing you think about is yourself and how lonely it is to be you. I barely got out of bed and was the opposite of a good father for most of the first year of my son’s life. The fact that my wife even stayed with me is a testament to her sense of love and forgiveness, and I’m grateful to have a second chance.

I had been to about 10 doctors in that year and while I received excellent treatment at every stop, none of them had suggested that it may be a mental issue until this one. As I sat in the waiting room for my first appointment with the psychiatrist, I remember telling myself over and over again, “You are not crazy, you are not crazy”, and as I looked around the room, I realized that the people there were just like me. I didn’t see any of the characters from “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest” and neither were Annie Wilkes, Tyler Durden or Hannibal Lecter. Everyone there was living a regular, every day life just like I was and that instantly put me at ease.

Over the next few months, I happily attended all of my sessions and even started to make friends with my waiting room mates. It wasn’t nearly as bad as I had dreamt it out to be and getting the help I needed at that moment is exactly what I needed to get my life back on track. This is sort of the Coles Notes version of my battle with anxiety but I thought it was important to share, especially for those who are suffering and don’t think there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am just one story and I know there are cases far worse than mine, but I faced it head on and came out the other side a better person.

I will probably never see that doctor again but the conversation he initiated that day saved my family and quite possibly my life. If any of what I am writing sounds familiar, please feel free to message me to ask questions and I would be happy to be an ear for you.

Today Is Mental Health Awareness Day; And So Is Tomorrow; And The Next Day

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I decided to take part in Bell Canada’s Let’s Talk day, yesterday. As part of my contribution, I shared something about myself that not very many people know about and had a very hard time hitting the “Publish” button. The response to that post has been overwhelming to say the least and I appreciated all the kind messages I received, both publicly and privately.

I went into the day not knowing how I felt about the corporate tag being attached to the concept of speaking out about mental health and I wasn’t alone. I saw a lot of discussion surrounding the issue, some reasonable and some just bashing for the sake of bashing, but I wanted to add my thoughts to the discussion. The reason I decided to share my story on this particular day was because I knew that I would be able to generate more discussion than if I posted it on any other day. It wasn’t about the page views; it was about starting a dialogue. And it worked.

For me, the day changed from a corporate marketing event to the real deal when I received this comment from a complete stranger, “After reading your story I now feel that there may be light at the end of this and it’s as easy as talking to your family doctor. Thank you again”. It may not be as easy as going to a family doctor but it’s a better start than doing nothing. Either way, the thought of someone reacting to something I had written in that way, was eye opening.

That comment made me realize that there are so many people suffering in silence and that inspired me to reach out even further. So, I put out an offer for people to email me if they needed to talk, not thinking anyone would actually do it, and to my surprise I received two emails during the day. I read the emails, without judgment, and welcomed them to write me anytime they wanted. I don’t know if it helped them to send me their story but it certainly couldn’t have hurt. I also made sure to point out that I am not even close to “professional” help.

I want to stop here for a minute because as I write this, I can’t help but feel like this is sounding a lot like a “Look at me!” post, and I want to assure you that it is not. A lot of things have changed about me since I have been blogging and the biggest one is the realization that this voice I have created is useless if it is not used to do some good. It also means that if there needs to be a corporate tag attached to an event to get people talking, then so be it. If we’re being completely honest, fear of failure and crickets is why I wouldn’t have started a movement like this by myself, so I’m glad a corporation took the initiative. Maybe I’ll get there someday.

All that said; my offer still stands. If you are having a rough go and need to just share your story with anybody, please feel free to email me at [email protected] and I will gladly lend an ear. I am no counselor, so I can’t offer anything but an ear but maybe it’s a start. You don’t have to suffer alone, please remember that.

I guess the main thing I learned by participating yesterday is that we need to be supportive of each other. Everybody has a story to tell and it’s not always easy for them to share it. Yesterday was a great start. I saw so many posts on blogs, Facebook and Twitter, of people sharing their struggles with anxiety and depression, and I hope we can keep the conversation going outside of just that one day. It’s an important discussion and one that deserves a high amount of attention.

Until we meet again, thanks for listening!

The Day the Darkness Crept In

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Edited May 15th: The Dad blogging community recently learned that one of our compatriots, Marc Block from Divided Dad, had succumbed to depression and taken his own life. Now, a number of Dad bloggers have decided to work together to share our stories and hopefully raise awareness about the effects of mental illness and to let others know that it’s okay to ask for help. My story is below and I have linked the other bloggers stories at the end. Thanks.

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It’s hard to pinpoint the exact day it began. The trigger was easy to decipher. It wasn’t long after my father had passed away that I started experiencing the symptoms. Nagging pains, fatigue and a lot of tears quickly became a part of my daily regimen. I was excellent at hiding it, rarely breaking down in front of even my wife, if at all.

When my father passed suddenly after an ATV accident, I felt like my entire world had been stripped from me. Instead of dealing with the grief and pain in the way I imagine most people do, I decided to take on the role of super strong male provider guy, so I wouldn’t have time to stop and think about what had happened. The strategy worked for a while, and then things started to go horribly wrong.

I remember the first trip to the emergency room like it was yesterday. I had shot out of bed with a pain in my chest and shortness of breath and decided not to take any chances. You can imagine my surprise when the doctor’s said everything was fine. The events that followed this visit are something that I will never forget. I must have visited the emergency room about 12 more times that year, along with 10 more trips to my family doctor, 4 specialists and 3 CT scans. Every trip was more discouraging than the next as I was getting no answers and was quickly becoming the poster child for hypochondria.

My lowest point was while we were living at my in-law’s house, with our new baby, while waiting for our new house to be built. I can distinctly remember the feeling of emptiness that was sweeping its way throughout my body. I would try to put on a face for everyone but there came a point where I just didn’t care anymore. There were many sleepless nights, hours wasted just lying on the couch and more trips to the emergency room. I wasn’t exactly an absentee father but I definitely left my wife high and dry, and I certainly wasn’t feeling whatever it was I was supposed to be feeling about fatherhood. I’ve never felt so emasculated and useless in my entire life. These were the hardest days and the ones I regret most when looking back on my son’s first year.

My last trip to the emergency room provided the awakening I had been searching for. I had been thinking a lot about how much better off my family would be without me and my problems in the picture. That’s not to say I ever thought about harming myself, because I didn’t. I just knew how hard I was making things for my family and wondered if things would be better without me, if that makes any sense. The doctor in the ER was sympathetic and asked what I thought was wrong with me. This week, for no valid reason, I believed I had Multiple Sclerosis. He ran some tests and quickly dismissed my fear; and then he saved my life.

He asked if I’d ever been to a psychiatrist, to which I responded, “No way”. You see, I wasn’t crazy and only crazy people needed to see a psychiatrist; or at least that’s what I thought. The doctor insisted by explaining that he thought I had an anxiety disorder and that it could help. To my surprise, it only took a couple visits for me to start understanding why I experiencing all of these symptoms. By the time four months had gone by, I felt like a new man and was well on my way to recovery.

My last session with the psychiatrist was about 3 years ago and I have been almost symptom free ever since. Sure, there are times when I feel the anxiety building, but I am now equipped with the tools to deal with those instances. My point in sharing this story is to let you know that suffering in silence does nothing but make things worse for you and everyone around you. Reaching out for help doesn’t make you less of a person and in fact can only make you stronger, in my opinion. Don’t let the darkness take over, ask for help, you’ll be glad you did.

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Krazy Dad Memoir – Do Not Go Into That Good Night

Dad of Divas – The Time Is Now To Ask For Help

Clark Kent’s Lunchbox- Dump Truck Full of Dead Babies

Dads Who Change Diapers – When the World Goes Numb

Dad’s a Lawyer – Words From the Wife

The Daddy Files – Come Back to Me

Dads Round Table – Strategies to Fight Depression

Be a Little Weird – Recognizing Depression in Men for What It Really Is

Canadian Spotlight: Elizabeth Manley

Another week, another new feature on the blog! This one sort of came out of the blue though. If you’ve talked to me since I began blogging, you’ll know that I have a love for Twitter. After all, it was Twitter that helped me convince Jann Arden to call my wife on her birthday this year.

Imagine my surprise this week, when I ended up in another conversation with Canada’s Sweetheart, the one and only Elizabeth Manley. Her Twitter handle is @Lizmanley88 by the way. You should follow her now and say hi for me. She was incredibly friendly and I decided to abuse that friendliness by asking her if she would let me feature her on the blog. You would have done the same so don’t judge!

It’s not often that you get a chance to talk to an Olympic Hero and I think it’s important that we don’t lose touch with them either. Besides that, Liz (I hope I can call you Liz, we never really discussed it) has been up to some great things in her post-Olympic career and I think it’s worth sharing.

Let’s start with a quick Elizabeth Manley recap for my American friends, because all Canadians should already know this stuff… 😉

Liz is a member of 5 different Hall of Fame’s (Olympic Hall of Fame, Ottawa Sports Hall of Fame, Skate Canada Hall of Fame, Belleville Sports Hall of Fame, and the Ontario Sports Hall of Fame).

She has won 4 World Cup Championships, 2 U.S. Open Championships and has won over 50 national and international medals.

She has also written two autobiographies, “Thumbs Up- The Elizabeth Manley Story” and “Elizabeth Manley- As I Am”

There was something else but it’s slipping my mind….. Oh Yeah!!! She won a freaking Silver Medal at the 1988 Olympics in Calgary!!

Not too shabby, right? I also forgot to mention that she has also had a Park and Arena named after her in her (our) hometown of Ottawa.

With all the great accolades and achievements, something people don’t know is that Liz battled a very severe depression that weighed on her for years. It never really goes away but these quotes from an amazing expose about her shows her strength and courage. Seriously, it’s a great piece and I encourage you to check it out!

“I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. Depression was the best thing that could have happened to me. It taught me who I was. I didn’t get lost in a world of sport. I found myself through the whole experience.”

“I was bald, I was 35 pounds overweight, I was locked in a house because I didn’t want people to see me. I’ve had a nervous breakdown. I was 16 and I thought there was nothing good in life for me. Four and a half years later, I was standing on the podium and having my greatest moment. When you think your life is no good, you can change it.”

Flash Forward to today and Liz is busy helping others cope with mental illness and on top of being a spokesperson to a number of Charities and Foundations, has even started her own charity event, Elizabeth Manley & Friends, which will help raise money for teen mental health, specifically the Royal Ottawa Mental Health Centre. In all honesty, while she was telling me all of the things she was doing to give back, I thought “How am I going to fit all of this into a post?!”. She is truly an amazing person and it shines through in her work.

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On top of all of this, Liz was kind enough to answer a few questions for my post and I am very appreciative for that. In fact, this is my first official interview, so I guess I am a journalist now, haha. Here are the results of our brief Q&A:

1. How does someone hire you as a speaker? They can contact [email protected] or me directly (Twitter: @LizManley88).

2. Are you still doing skating events (For fun, charity or other)? I am producing my own benefit show this coming winter Jan 26 at ScotiaBank Place called Elizabeth Manley + Friends to benefit YSB and D.I.F.D. It’s still in the works and will have major stars such as Nancy Kerrigan, Elvis Stojco and more!

3. Where is your favourite place in Ottawa? The canal area!!! Soooo beautiful!

4. You have a lot of living left to do, what is your next goal? To make Elizabeth Manley & Friends a major success and a yearly event to benefit local area charities.

Stay Tuned for more info on the January 26th Elizabeth Manley & Friends benefit show at Scotiabank Place in Ottawa. I’ll be reminding you about it every now and then as well and can’t wait to see the stars shining once again! In the meantime, if you are interested in sponsoring this event, you can contact Liz on Twitter or let me know and I’ll pass along your information.

Before I leave you all, I just wanted to say a HUGE Thank You to Elizabeth Manley for taking the time out of her busy schedule to talk to me. It’s always great to see someone emerge from the darkness that is mental illness and want to give back so others don’t have to suffer so much. She is an amazing person and I’m proud to have been given this opportunity!

Cheers!