Funny Tweets – Canadian Dad

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Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week!

April 1, 2019/0 Comments/in Funniest Tweets, THE BLOG /by Chris Read

It’s time to laugh with some of the funniest parents from around the internet! Each week we’ll share what we deem to be the funniest tweets about parenting, so you can spend you Monday mornings laughing out loud for strangers on the bus!

My toddler found a huge box of Band-Aids, so now everything we own is "all better."
— Nathan Gregory (@MrGirlDad) March 31, 2019

The garbage was overflowing in the kitchen, so I asked my son to take it out. His response: “But we’re so close to setting a record!”

This is why some animals eat their young.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 28, 2019

Kids aren’t food critics, that implies they’ll actually try things. Let’s be honest, they’re food bigots.
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) March 28, 2019

5 min: we’re leaving soon. Is everyone ready?
Kids: yup!
3 min: get everything you need!
Kids: ok!
0 min: let’s go.
Kid 1: where’s bun-bun!!!
Kid 2: I can’t find my shoes!
Kid 3: ** explosive diarrhea **
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) March 25, 2019

I have a hard time relating to non parents. They’re always doing fancy things like “eating hot food ” or “drinking for pleasure” or “sleeping normally.”

Uppity assholes.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) March 28, 2019

[1989]
*ice cream truck music*

Me: Can I get one? Please?
My Mom: No, ugh are you kidding that thing is such a rip off!

[2019]
My Son: Ooh, can I-
My Mom: How much for the whole truck?
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 28, 2019

I just clipped my 6 year old’s toe nails. He collected all of the toe nails then put them under his pillow. I asked what he was doing and his reply was “I am about to find out if I can make any money from these!”
— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) March 29, 2019

Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between a cat’s meows and my 3yo’s whines, partially because I’m a shitty dad but mostly because my toddler is an animal.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 29, 2019

5yo: *burp*
Me: Please don't do that at the table.
5yo: It's not me it's my body.
Me:
5yo: What do you want me to do? swallow my burp!?
Me:
5yo: Do you want me to die!!?
Me: Just use your manners.
5yo: *burp* excuse me! *fart*
Me: Sigh….
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) March 31, 2019

The weather is warming up so now the kids can finally go outside and get some fresh air while they play on their phones.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) March 30, 2019

My greatest mom super power is being able to sense when someone in the house has opened a bottle of water when they already have an unfinished one floating around somewhere.
— ωнαтѕαяαнѕαι∂ (@tinyandtired) March 26, 2019

My kids live by the saying, "You are what you eat" by wearing 75 percent of what they were eating at the end of every meal.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) March 27, 2019

Never ask your sons how often they change their underwear if you’re not prepared to live with that knowledge.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) March 26, 2019

Pediatrician: I recommend no more than 30 minutes of screen time for children under 10

Me: I’d like to get a second opinion
— The Dadvocate (@thedadvocate01) March 31, 2019

My kids love practicing piano so much that they check how much time have left to practice after every note
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) March 26, 2019

BASEBALL MOM: so we had Caleb at the batting cages all winter and he attended all-star camp over spring break

ME: pretty sure my son’s reaction time’s improved since last season cuz he plays so much Fortnite
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 30, 2019

From the other room, I just heard my daughter say, "Daddy can fix it! He can fix ANYTHING!"

Unless "it" is a Pop-Tart, I think she's about to be extremely disappointed.
— Nathan Gregory (@MrGirlDad) March 31, 2019

Canadian Dad Funniest Parenting Tweets 3

Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week!

March 18, 2019/0 Comments/in Funniest Tweets, THE BLOG /by Chris Read

We’re starting a new feature on the blog to showcase some of the funniest parents from around the internet! Each week we’ll share what we deem to be the funniest tweets about parenting, so you can spend you Monday mornings laughing out loud for strangers on the bus!

Today my 4 year old was so tired she could barely keep her eyes open. Then she slept for 86 seconds in the car and will now be up forever.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 14, 2019

Whatever the opposite of smooth is, that’s how dinner’s going with all four of my kids pretending french fries with ketchup on the ends are lit cigars.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) March 15, 2019

My 2yo answered her toy phone "Ok ok, just do it, bye!" Then she hit her brother over the head with it.

She'll make it just fine in corporate America.
— Daddy’s Digest® (@daddysdigest) March 13, 2019

My kid just said “hey, I was the FIRST person in last place” and I don’t know if that was an inspirational way of looking at it or just dumb.
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) March 14, 2019

I tried to do a split this morning in the classroom with the kids. I got halfway down and one of the little boys said "That's enough Miss Shawn." And he was right.
— That's Enough, Miss Shawn. (@thepbg) March 13, 2019

Take heart that no matter what outfit, meal, or activity you choose for your kid: they don't want it.
— Walking Outside In Slippers (@WalkingOutside) March 13, 2019

My kid refused to use the toilet until I sat on it to warm up the seat. Just thought I’d let ya’ll know in case you were on the fence about having children.
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) March 17, 2019

St. Patrick’s Day Before Kids: up early to start drinking, green beer and car bombs all day, passed out by 3pm because hammered

St. Patrick’s Day After Kids: up early to start yelling, green poop and diaper bombs all day, passed out by 3pm because parenthood
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 17, 2019

3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 14, 2019

Can’t talk, my kids are angry with me because I didn’t put ice in their soccer water bottles that they never actually drink.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) March 14, 2019

At top secret kid training:

Trainer: Make sure you interrupt them at least 4 times per bathroom trip.

Kids: How?

T: Whatever it takes. You need the bathroom ASAP. Have a tantrum. Sit on their lap, whatever.

Kids: What if they lock the door?

T: Be. Annoying. #parenting
— Wonder-Parent (@wonderparent007) March 17, 2019

Throw cheese at dads, not babies pic.twitter.com/MpmhVJcRd3
— The Dad (@thedad) March 12, 2019

Good morning to everyone except the two of my kids that had a 6:40am screaming match about what our cat’s middle name probably is.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) March 17, 2019

I just googled "why am I so tired and unmotivated" as tho I'm not in my 35th week of a creature living inside of me, hogging all my nutrients and draining my energy
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) March 11, 2019

My kids were watching YouTube and I wasn’t really paying attention to what was playing. My children were exposed to “Surprise Eggs”

Consider this a cautionary tale
— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) March 15, 2019

I still can't believe how much of having a daughter is just nodding my head and saying, "Wow, those are really sparkly."
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) March 15, 2019

9 pm: Bed time

9:07 pm: “I need water!” time

9:13 pm: “I heard a noise” time

9:27 pm: “I want my teddy bear” time

9:28 pm: “No not that one” time

9:39 pm: Crying for no reason time

10:14 pm: Just realized I’m still watching Paw Patrol time
— The Dadvocate (@thedadvocate01) March 12, 2019

10: Mom

Me: *busy* uh huh?

10: Mom!

Me: *still busy* yeah?

10: MOM. LOOK AT ME! This is important!!!!

Me: *stops everything I’m doing* Okay. What is it?

10: Alright. So my Fortnite character found an ultra rare weapon in the first chest…..

Me: pic.twitter.com/GphPQ50HAC
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) March 16, 2019

Every dad has a superpower. Sadly, it's just being the only one who can hear a toilet still running anywhere in the house.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) March 11, 2019

Toddler: [Eating an orange]

Me: Can I have some?

Toddler: No! Is spicy!

She's on to me.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) March 12, 2019

My kids started planning what to wear on an airplane trip 6 months from now, and their excitement was precious to behold. Until I heard the words “hot dog costume”.
— Daisy Chain (@putyoursisterd1) March 16, 2019

Canadian Dad Funniest Parenting Tweets 2

Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week!

March 11, 2019/0 Comments/in Funniest Tweets, THE BLOG /by Chris Read

Me: be careful not to spill it on the iPad.

My kid: pic.twitter.com/giTmIXfBjW
— Crazy Baby Mama (@crazybabymama18) March 6, 2019

3: *eating toast*. Mommy, I wann cut the gwass.

Me: Good for you, buddy!

3: I wann CUT GWASS!

Me: That’s amazing! We will teach you how to cut the grass when the snow melts!

3: *loses shit*. I WANN CUT GWASS!

Husband: HE WANTS YOU TO CUT THE *CRUSTS* OFF HIS TOAST.
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) March 4, 2019

*driving
9yo: I'm thirsty
Me: Okay, would you like a soda, water or lemonade?
9yo: I’ll have the lemonade
Me: Dude, I don’t have any of those. It’s only a 10 min car ride. Just wait.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) March 6, 2019

[One hour past bedtime]

3 year-old [pointing to toy lion]: Is that real?

Me: No, it's just a toy, little man. The lion under your bed who eats kids that ask questions instead of sleeping? THAT'S real.

3:

Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) March 5, 2019

I wish I loved anything as much as my son loves blaming everything on his brother
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) March 5, 2019

Parent Hack: don’t waste money on a dresser because your entire wardrobe will always be in the hamper, in the washing machine, or in a pile on the bed/couch/floor.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 8, 2019

??‍♂️??‍♂️??‍♂️??‍♂️??‍♂️??‍♂️

-me, embarrassing the infinite heck out of my kid by dancing the robot terribly
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) March 7, 2019

Pro tip: If your child has red hair but you don't, please have the answer to where the red hair came from tattooed on your forehead.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 9, 2019

Make sure you stay humble by having a seven-year-old tell you that tonight's dinner wasn't one of your best.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) March 7, 2019

[7pm]
do you have homework?
“no”

[8pm]
are you sure?
“no homework I swear”

[9pm]
are you lying?
“no”

[10pm]
it’s time for bed
“I have homework”
— eric is on a train (@ericsshadow) March 4, 2019

I don’t know what my toddler’s freaking out about, I’d kill for a 3 min time out.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) March 5, 2019

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
— ?your mom? (@eff_yeah_steph) March 5, 2019

my son just emerged from the bathroom shouting YESSS NOW I WON’T HAFTA POOP AT SCHOOL TODAY and i hope your day is at least half that good
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 8, 2019

If I wrote a parenting advice book, it would just be one sentence: "Call out 'What are you doing?' every 10 minutes."
— Walking Outside In Slippers (@WalkingOutside) March 5, 2019

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 9, 2019

For around $45 a month you can get a gym membership with kids care available for two hours. You can literally drop your kid off for 120 minutes and sit on a toilet in the locker room completely uninterrupted- Even the cleaning lady won’t knock on your stall.
— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) March 5, 2019

My 1yo's reading habit is getting expensive because he loves books but also he thinks it's cool to put them in the garbage when I'm not looking.
— ?Lucky-ish Mom? (@LifeThrewLemons) March 6, 2019

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) March 7, 2019

Canadian Dad Funniest Parenting Tweets 1

Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week!

March 4, 2019/0 Comments/in Funniest Tweets, THE BLOG /by Chris Read

I’m all for my children being imaginative and unconventional, but they have come up with something called the diarrhea tree and that’s enough creativity for one day.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 26, 2019

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they'll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) February 28, 2019

[playing 20 Questions]

Me: Animal?

Wife: Yes

Son: A horse!

Me: Don’t gues-

Wife: YES! A horse!

Me: *frowns wtf-ly* ?
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) February 28, 2019

hey child-free people considering having kids, quick fyi. my kids routinely shove the tv remote down their pants to avoid having the other try to change the channel. just felt like you should know
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) February 26, 2019

Toddler: Want to play with me?

Me: Okay!

Toddler: Sit here.

Me: [sits] Okay.

Toddler: NO YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!

Me: Okayyyyyyyy.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) February 25, 2019

3yo: Want to color with me?

Me: Sure!!!

3yo: What you doing ?

Me: Coloring

3yo: Don't color llike that

Me:

3yo: Just give me my crayons back…
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) February 28, 2019

[Playing hide-and-seek for an hour]

Young chameleon: Okay dad, I give up. I'm hungry.

Dad chameleon [suddenly appearing]: HEY HUNGRY I'M DAD-Ah dammit.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) February 24, 2019

Shall I empty the garbage or let it overflow?

(Things my teenagers must briefly think before tossing more trash into the can.)
— Conversations With My Children is Feeling Tired (@Convokid22) March 3, 2019

*throws cheese at toddler’s face*

Wife: You’re doing that viral cheese challenge thing?

Me: ………….yes?
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 3, 2019

Me: SERIOUSLY DON’T EAT SNOW! You don’t know if a dog has pooped in that!

5: *Eating Snow*. Well mommy I KNOW a dog hasn’t pooped in this snow, because I can’t taste any poop.

Me: I feel like that’s not the best way to decide whether the snow you’re eating has dog poop in it.
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) February 27, 2019

Okay…let's write alternative endings to kids' movies. It's a game…you can be morbid.
I'll start.

Moana drowns when she takes the boat out the first time and gets her foot stuck in the coral. The movie ends on a song about listening to your parents.

You go!
— Ohio mom of two (@OhioMomoftwo) February 26, 2019

My toddler LOVES his new big boy bed. He's super excited about it!

But not for like…sleeping in it. Cuz that would be a terrible idea, apparently.
— Emily Greene (@EmAsInMoney) March 2, 2019

One of my family's favorite things to do is spend time together. Well, not like in the same room. Separate rooms. On different devices. But definitely under the same roof. So you know, together.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 28, 2019

It’s like my family doesn’t even appreciate that time I went rogue from the nav and reduced our ETA by 2 minutes.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 28, 2019

Who needs a doctor's appt to test your heart and reflexes when you can have your 1yo leave a drumstick in the middle of your bathroom floor and step on it in the middle of the night.
— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) February 25, 2019

Oh, dear child, I greatly admire your tenacity, your attention to detail & your organized argumentative logic…

But that IS your pee left on the toilet seat. And we both know it.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) March 3, 2019

My 5 yr old this morning: "Daddy I know how to light a match."

In the writing business we call that foreshadowing.
— TJ Punch (@tj_punch) March 2, 2019

Me:[sleeping on couch]
Toddler: [throws ball]
Me:[ball hits my face]
Toddler: catch!
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) February 26, 2019

Me: You’ve been watching TV for hours. Why don’t you try reading for a while?

Son: *turns on subtitles*

Me: That’s better
— The Dadvocate (@thedadvocate01) March 3, 2019

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