Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week!

My toddler found a huge box of Band-Aids, so now everything we own is "all better."

— Nathan Gregory (@MrGirlDad) March 31, 2019

The garbage was overflowing in the kitchen, so I asked my son to take it out. His response: “But we’re so close to setting a record!”

This is why some animals eat their young.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 28, 2019

Kids aren’t food critics, that implies they’ll actually try things. Let’s be honest, they’re food bigots.

— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) March 28, 2019

5 min: we’re leaving soon. Is everyone ready?
Kids: yup!
3 min: get everything you need!
Kids: ok!
0 min: let’s go.
Kid 1: where’s bun-bun!!!
Kid 2: I can’t find my shoes!
Kid 3: ** explosive diarrhea **

— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) March 25, 2019

I have a hard time relating to non parents. They’re always doing fancy things like “eating hot food ” or “drinking for pleasure” or “sleeping normally.”

Uppity assholes.

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) March 28, 2019

[1989]
*ice cream truck music*

Me: Can I get one? Please?
My Mom: No, ugh are you kidding that thing is such a rip off!

[2019]
My Son: Ooh, can I-
My Mom: How much for the whole truck?

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 28, 2019

I just clipped my 6 year old’s toe nails. He collected all of the toe nails then put them under his pillow. I asked what he was doing and his reply was “I am about to find out if I can make any money from these!”

— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) March 29, 2019

Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between a cat’s meows and my 3yo’s whines, partially because I’m a shitty dad but mostly because my toddler is an animal.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 29, 2019

5yo: *burp*
Me: Please don't do that at the table.
5yo: It's not me it's my body.
Me:
5yo: What do you want me to do? swallow my burp!?
Me:
5yo: Do you want me to die!!?
Me: Just use your manners.
5yo: *burp* excuse me! *fart*
Me: Sigh….

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) March 31, 2019

The weather is warming up so now the kids can finally go outside and get some fresh air while they play on their phones.

— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) March 30, 2019

My greatest mom super power is being able to sense when someone in the house has opened a bottle of water when they already have an unfinished one floating around somewhere.

— ωнαтѕαяαнѕαι∂ (@tinyandtired) March 26, 2019

My kids live by the saying, "You are what you eat" by wearing 75 percent of what they were eating at the end of every meal.

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) March 27, 2019

Never ask your sons how often they change their underwear if you’re not prepared to live with that knowledge.

— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) March 26, 2019

Pediatrician: I recommend no more than 30 minutes of screen time for children under 10

Me: I’d like to get a second opinion

— The Dadvocate (@thedadvocate01) March 31, 2019

My kids love practicing piano so much that they check how much time have left to practice after every note

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) March 26, 2019

BASEBALL MOM: so we had Caleb at the batting cages all winter and he attended all-star camp over spring break

ME: pretty sure my son’s reaction time’s improved since last season cuz he plays so much Fortnite

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 30, 2019

From the other room, I just heard my daughter say, "Daddy can fix it! He can fix ANYTHING!"

Unless "it" is a Pop-Tart, I think she's about to be extremely disappointed.

— Nathan Gregory (@MrGirlDad) March 31, 2019