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It’s time to laugh with some of the funniest parents from around the internet! Each week we’ll share what we deem to be the funniest tweets about parenting, so you can spend you Monday mornings laughing out loud for strangers on the bus!
My toddler found a huge box of Band-Aids, so now everything we own is "all better."
— Nathan Gregory (@MrGirlDad) March 31, 2019
The garbage was overflowing in the kitchen, so I asked my son to take it out. His response: “But we’re so close to setting a record!”
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 28, 2019
This is why some animals eat their young.
Kids aren’t food critics, that implies they’ll actually try things. Let’s be honest, they’re food bigots.
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) March 28, 2019
5 min: we’re leaving soon. Is everyone ready?
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) March 25, 2019
Kids: yup!
3 min: get everything you need!
Kids: ok!
0 min: let’s go.
Kid 1: where’s bun-bun!!!
Kid 2: I can’t find my shoes!
Kid 3: ** explosive diarrhea **
I have a hard time relating to non parents. They’re always doing fancy things like “eating hot food ” or “drinking for pleasure” or “sleeping normally.”
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) March 28, 2019
Uppity assholes.
[1989]
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 28, 2019
*ice cream truck music*
Me: Can I get one? Please?
My Mom: No, ugh are you kidding that thing is such a rip off!
[2019]
My Son: Ooh, can I-
My Mom: How much for the whole truck?
I just clipped my 6 year old’s toe nails. He collected all of the toe nails then put them under his pillow. I asked what he was doing and his reply was “I am about to find out if I can make any money from these!”
— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) March 29, 2019
Sometimes I can’t tell the difference between a cat’s meows and my 3yo’s whines, partially because I’m a shitty dad but mostly because my toddler is an animal.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 29, 2019
5yo: *burp*
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) March 31, 2019
Me: Please don't do that at the table.
5yo: It's not me it's my body.
Me:
5yo: What do you want me to do? swallow my burp!?
Me:
5yo: Do you want me to die!!?
Me: Just use your manners.
5yo: *burp* excuse me! *fart*
Me: Sigh….
The weather is warming up so now the kids can finally go outside and get some fresh air while they play on their phones.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) March 30, 2019
My greatest mom super power is being able to sense when someone in the house has opened a bottle of water when they already have an unfinished one floating around somewhere.
— ωнαтѕαяαнѕαι∂ (@tinyandtired) March 26, 2019
My kids live by the saying, "You are what you eat" by wearing 75 percent of what they were eating at the end of every meal.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) March 27, 2019
Never ask your sons how often they change their underwear if you’re not prepared to live with that knowledge.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) March 26, 2019
Pediatrician: I recommend no more than 30 minutes of screen time for children under 10
— The Dadvocate (@thedadvocate01) March 31, 2019
Me: I’d like to get a second opinion
My kids love practicing piano so much that they check how much time have left to practice after every note
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) March 26, 2019
BASEBALL MOM: so we had Caleb at the batting cages all winter and he attended all-star camp over spring break
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 30, 2019
ME: pretty sure my son’s reaction time’s improved since last season cuz he plays so much Fortnite
From the other room, I just heard my daughter say, "Daddy can fix it! He can fix ANYTHING!"
— Nathan Gregory (@MrGirlDad) March 31, 2019
Unless "it" is a Pop-Tart, I think she's about to be extremely disappointed.
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