An Acceptable Moment To Swear In Front Of Your Mother…Sort Of

My Momma raised me right. We were taught as children that swearing is wrong, especially in front of family. That said, I’m going to explain to you how, on a rare night out with my Mom, I managed to say to someone, “Sit the f*ck down and shut up!”

Due to someone else’s misfortune, I was fortunate enough to score a ticket to the Eagles concert at the Canadian Tire Centre here in Ottawa. My Mom had offered us both tickets but I thought it would be fun to spend some time together, so off we went. I’m going to stop the story early to let you know how incredible the concert was. Joe Walsh was the rock god he always has been and the harmonies that these guys put together are beyond rival. It was one of the best concerts I’ve ever been to and I’m grateful for the opportunity.

Now, onto the incident…

We were enjoying the first song of the night, when the two women sitting behind us took their seats. That’s when the high pitched, sounds like a cat dying, screams started. It was annoying, for sure, but it was a concert and their $175.00 tickets entitled them to some screaming, whether my mother agreed or not.

Then things got really fun.

The Mother/Daughter duo decided to stand up to dance, which is also acceptable by concert standards. That is, until the mother’s hand came crashing down on the top of my head. You know that smartie thing on the top of baseball caps? Yeah, that. Still, I kept my cool, counting the strikes in my head, secretly knowing there would be a third.

And then it happened!

After her third, double fisted trip from the beer trolley, Happy-Go Drunkie decided to dance with her beer in hand and spilled it all over me. I’m not talking a little droplet here either. I’m a man, and my experience at the Highland Games, dictates that I can handle a few drops of beer in my face from time to time. This was about a quarter bottle of light beer (not even the good stuff) dumped down my back. Having had enough, I immediately stood up and confronted her, to which she answered slurred, “That’s impossible, my Mom doesn’t even drink!” Stunned by her drunkeness, I told her to take it easy (get it, the Eagles), to which she replied that she paid good money and she would do what she wants.

This brings us full circle to me telling her to “Sit the f*ck down and shut up!”, among a couple other things, which prompted my Mother to reply, “Good for you, Honey”. They didn’t make a peep the rest of the show and I even got a “thanks” from a seatmate. And that, my friends, is one of the few acceptable moments to swear in front of your Mother.

Do you have a funny story of swearing in front of your parents? Share it in the comments below!

The Tooth Fairy Is An Extortionist

That’s right, I said it!

I am 33 years old.

I can remember the days of losing teeth and the excitement that would come over waking up the next morning to find a shiny quarter or two under my pillow.

I was having a very deep and serious chat with some friends the other night at a wedding.

We were laughing at old(er) people dancing and somehow the topic of missing teeth came up, to which one friend had an interesting story to share about his children.

He said that one of his children had just lost a tooth and after researching with other parents, he found that the going rate on teeth these days was about $5 a piece, so that’s what he paid.

I laughed at his hilarious joke and turned back to the dance floor. He then grabbed me by the arm, looked deep into my eyes and told me something I will never forget.

“I’m not joking man, the Tooth Fairy is a thieving little bitch and she charges $5 a tooth now!”

The words came at me in slow motion, like I was a stunned boxer who’d just had his bell rung.

This couldn’t be true! My kids hadn’t even lost any teeth yet and at this rate of inflation, by the time they do, I’ll be paying double that price!

“Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo” I yelled in the middle of the wedding.

Who does this chick think she is? Monopolizing the teeth market by being the only one who dares sneak into young children’s rooms at night to help herself to their lost ivory.

It’s common knowledge among adults that the money left under the pillow is not left there by the tooth fairy, but it is a bounty paid by parents so that the tooth fairy does her job properly.

Otherwise, the tooth would still be there in the morning and the parent would have to explain what happened. Explain why the Tooth Fairy doesn’t love their child.

Do you want to be that parent? DO YOU!?!?

My friend’s story got me panicking so I started to do some research of my own. The first person I asked was a colleague at work.

“I give $2 per tooth”…..”But I’m really cheap”

Bad Start! If the cheap guy is paying $2, that means I stand to be in big, big trouble.

Off to Facebook and Twitter for more guidance. The answers come flowing in like a tipped over truck filled with sewage.

“$2…$4…$5”, and then the bombshell hits as one parent tells me they paid $20 for the first and $5 for each subsequent lost tooth!!!


The trend continues to confirm my fears that I will need to re-mortgage the house in order to pay for two kids to lose all their teeth.

It also puts the final nail in the “Should we have a third child” debate.

I’ve been racking my brain on ways to avoid this inevitable mess but so far I’ve only come up with one possible idea….

I’m going to try opening my own tooth fairy business! What do you think? It suits me, right?

We’ll see what the Tooth Fairy’s goons have to say about that but I’m ready for them.

No more will I stand idly by as she treats us parents like her slaves!!! We will band together to fight this injustice!

She may continue to try and take our hard earned money, but she will Never Take Our Freedom!!!!!

Who’s with me? What price does the Tooth Fairy charge at your house? Leave me a comment below and we can all share in each other’s misery…


Was I Not Supposed To Watch The Hunger Games

I’ve been lucky enough to have been invited to do some writing for the “Life Of Dad” website.

I decided to make my first post over there about my experience at the premiere for The Hunger Games last night.

Sooo, If you want to find out how I ended up on a National radio show because of my tweets or If you’re interested in finding out about my crazy 24 hours of emotions, from happy to depressed to happy again…

CLICK HERE!!! to read the whole story.


Giving “Woot Woot” The Boot Boot – #BootTheWoot

The Concise Oxford English Dictionary defines WOOT as a word used to express elation, enthusiasm, or triumph.

Wait…WHAT?! This word is in the Concise Oxford English Dictionary???

I don’t know about you but when I took English in high school, my book report’s were full of Shakespeare and Mordecai Richler. I had no idea what was going on in those books and that’s why I repeated Grade 12 English 3 times….

With this new wave of ridiculous and confusing words, how am I supposed to help my children with their book report’s when the materialwill be the likes of “Justin Bieber’s Woot Woot Holla” and “Tracey’s #Twittatastic #Twittcrastination”?

Another problem I have with “Wooting”, is that in order to fit in new words, the Concise Oxford English Dictionary has to eliminate words.

Do you know what word they eliminated to make room?

DO YOU?!?!

It was the word Growlery. Do you know what a growlery is? I do because I have had one.

A Growlery is a “place to growl in, private room, den”. Where are me and my buddies going to growl at now?

Once I had calmed down, I emerged from my newly crowned “Wootery” and came up with this list of 5 new terms I would like to see added to the Concise Oxford English Dictionary, so that us men can claim back some of our manhood.

1. Couching – Not the embroidery tactic either, I would have that removed first. Couching is what Daddy wants to do after a long day at the office (after play time of course). Couching most likely involves watching sports or wrestling.

2. DisPinterested – A word to express a Man’s feelings towards Pinterest. Nuff Said.

3. Gameril – A medication, to be invented at a later date, to help men deal with an unexpected extended absence from the ability to play video games.

4. Man-O-Tron – {Multiple Meanings} a) used to describe a man who uses his ability to see things that only other men can see without actually looking directly at the object eg. Dude, you went so Man-O-Tron back there. b) a fictional robot that does a man’s chores for him. c) the nerdy awesome user name all men fight over in video game forums.

5. Bearpunch – A slang term to remind men what to do if they find themselves face to face with a bear or larger man.

I have submitted my list to the fine folks at the Concise Oxford English Dictionary and hope to hear back soon.

In the meantime, I hope my message is clear. I encourage all of you to join my efforts to “Give The Boot To The Woot!”

You can join me on Twitter @CanadianDadBlog as I launch my campaign to #BootTheWoot and please feel free to share your #BootTheWoot stories in the comments section!

Help me to build a brighter, Wootless world for our children!