Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week!
/0 Comments/in Funniest Tweets, THE BLOG /by Chris ReadWe’re starting a new feature on the blog to showcase some of the funniest parents from around the internet! Each week we’ll share what we deem to be the funniest tweets about parenting, so you can spend you Monday mornings laughing out loud for strangers on the bus!
SHHHHHHH….If you put your ear to the ground right now and listen..
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) March 24, 2019
.
.
.
..you can hear a parent stomping to their kid's room for the 100th time tonight to discuss if a dinosaur's poop is taller than you.
Just walked in the door and my 1yo's face lights up.
— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) March 21, 2019
He comes running towards me while laughing.
I bend down with my arms wide open.
And he runs right up to the grocery bag I'm holding with Tostito chips in it and hugs it.
Ohhhhhh yeah! pic.twitter.com/yAljEPF2Ir
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) March 23, 2019
Millions of parenting books, but none of them can ever really prepare you for how difficult it will be when you overhear your children continuously using the word “epic” to describe a new pop-tart flavor.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 23, 2019
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don't know how to drive themselves anywhere.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 23, 2019
Sex is great and all but have you ever gotten your kids to bed and had enough time to watch an entire movie without falling asleep halfway through?
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 21, 2019
Sometimes I like to go to the local playground to be reminded how intolerable other people's kids are. It's nice to know it's not just mine.
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) March 21, 2019
[Centers for Disease Control]
— The Dadvocate (@thedadvocate01) March 23, 2019
Agent: [in a biohazard suit] We’ve identified the source of the outbreak: This old contaminated teddy bear
Me: Oh hey my kid’s been looking for that
*give 1yo a PBJ sandwich*
— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) March 20, 2019
*10min later, sandwich is gone*
Me: "Wow buddy! Good job eating!"
*2 hours later, change 1yo bc he has a full diaper and discover PBJ wedged in the front of his diaper.*
I am "goes to the store to buy antacids at 9 pm, hears The Living Years by Mike and the Mechanics over the radio, and starts crying in the store" weeks pregnant
— Anecdotal Birthcontrol (@PedersenAhmed) March 23, 2019
Husband: Did you clean your room like I asked you to?
— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) March 23, 2019
5: No
Husband: Why didn’t you clean your room?
5: Because I wanted to colour and watch TV and do fun stuff
I can’t say she’s not honest ??♀️
Told my dad about how I caught my son shoving a french fries between the couch cushions and he reminded me about the time I burned down our garage.
— eric is on a train (@ericsshadow) March 20, 2019
Dear people making kids books with dust covers,
— mommed real hard (@MommedRealHard) March 24, 2019
Seriously? Have you met children?
Sincerely,
A confused parent
Me: Can you tell the kids to stop jumping on the couch?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 20, 2019
Husband: Kids, what you’re doing is going to ruin our furniture.
Me: Well, don’t encourage them.
When my son was 3, as I was putting him to bed, he said “you’re much better than other daddy!”
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) March 17, 2019
I grilled him for ten minutes until I discovered he meant mommy. Mommy was “other daddy”
Thing 1: You’re the best daddy in the world!
— Distracted Dad (@Distracted_Dad) March 20, 2019
Me: Aww, thanks!
T1: [thinking] Unless Santa has kids.
Me: Ha! Okay, that’s-
T1: Or Superman. Or any superhero. You’re best after them.
Me:
T1: Do astronauts have kids?
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 20, 2019
You can’t have both.
If you wear ripped jeans in front of your dad, there’s a 100% chance he’ll ask “what happened to your pants?”
— not the WORST mom ??♀️ (@nottheworstmom) March 22, 2019
-If Thanos had a toddler-
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) March 24, 2019
Thanos: Avengers, your end has come-
[Tries to snap fingers, but gauntlet is sticky]
What the?
[Cut to earlier that day and Thanos' kid spilling juice all over gauntlet]
I read that it takes 6 years to catch up on the sleep deprivation from having a kid.
— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) March 19, 2019
My son will be 6 in June, but I've had two since then so I'm crunching numbers like good will hunting and with the compounding sleep deprivation I'm proud to announce I'll be caught up in 2064.
[Calling doctor's office]
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) March 20, 2019
Lady: When is your child's birthday?
Me: *panic* click