What Exactly Is A “Trophy Husband”?
It’s no secret that the number of Stay At Home Dads is on the rise. It’s also well documented that the role of the father has evolved dramatically over the last 20 years.
As a shift working Dad who is home with his kids for a good portion of the time, I had never really thought of asking for recognition for the time I spend with them. After all, I’m their Dad and also, I’m far from perfect.
While watching an ABC Nightline story on Stay At Home Dads the other night, they kept referring to the Dads as Trophy Husband’s and it threw me for a bit of a loop. In fact, a few of the points made in the 5 minute piece were slightly off putting.
I feel it’s best that you watch the clip before I continue, so my points will at least have some context.
I watched it a couple of times and even took some time to think about how I felt about it. No ones likes people who overreact in a public forum, so I’m going to quietly make my points and move on.
The first thing that happens is predictable video of Mr. Mom with Michael Keaton, followed by a more updated but equally ridiculous video clip from “What To Expect When You Are Expecting”. Not a great start and it got worse when I heard the reporter’s opening quote.
“Today’s stay at home dad is a new breed. They push strollers with swagger, like those dads in What To Expect When You Are Expecting”.
So today’s Dads are the stereotypical movie imbecile’s, who let their babies eat cigarettes, play in the dryer and swim in toilets? Good to know. I’m used to the movie buffoon thing, it’s increasingly more annoying but I get that it’s still a movie and they need to be funny. This was supposed to be a real story about real dads and didn’t need the ridiculous reference in my opinion.
The story goes on to say that Moms on the playground refer to these Dads as “Trophy Husbands”. Which parks are these? Who are these women? I’ve been to the park with my kids a whole bunch of times and I’ve never had anyone refer to me as a Trophy…In fact, I usually end up very much ignored to play with my kids, which is perfectly fine with me.
They quote a study that says more men are staying at home because women are beginning to value high paying jobs more than men do. I don’t doubt the results of the “high paying jobs” portion of the survey but it really shouldn’t be used as an explanation as to why there are more stay at home dads. There are daycare’s after all and I think more men are just realizing how amazing it is to spend more time with their kids.
I know a few stay at home dads and a lot of dads who work jobs for a living as well. None of them are the bumbling idiots from the movies or the Al Bundy’s from TV. They’re not even the Dad from the Oscar Mayer Commercial, who thinks letting his son play with a chainsaw is a good idea, among other things. Many other things…
Most of the Dads I know are just normal guys who like to spend time with their families. They are not looking for any kind of special credits or awards. Sure, it’s nice to be complimented every now and then but we’re no different than Mom in that regard. We do the things we do for our family because it’s our family, not to become trophies for our wives or kids.
We just want to be parents, not a special exhibit at the zoo. It’s great that the new age of Dads is coming to light in the media, I just wish it didn’t have to always come with the asterisk of a clip or reference to Homer Simpson. After all this writing, I’m not sure I’ve answered the question of what a Trophy Husband is. I guess my hope is that it’s not a thing at all.
Let me leave you with an example of what I’m talking about. Here’s a video that was done right and captures real dads talking about real stuff, without the cliches. It’s really great and I hope it’s the start of a trend in recognizing that we’re not the Dads from the television set.
Cheers!!
Well if that’s the trophy husband I’m proud to have one! Seriously must we glorify tags??
My trophy husband took extended parental leave to support his wife’s career, gets his hands yucky with our girls, wears crowns to high tea and is as manly as any guy I know…..
Dress up is my favorite time of day! I’m sure someday we’ll all just be parents, with no Awwww’s or “poor guy” comments but I just don’t see that happening anytime soon.
Thanks Julie!
I love this! I was there during the taping of the play date for the Nightline piece and I watched it knowing the dad they highlighted was the typical dad. I was angered by the “trophy husband” moniker and the continual reference to the bumbling dads of popular film and television. The reality and the perception are no where near the same.
Your post was spot on and I’m going to share and share and share until I pass out from exhaustion.
Thanks Chris, I don’t understand why they have to continue to fill these stories with cliches and nonsense. Just tell the story like it is and let people know that Dads are capable of taking care of their kids too.
Shame on whoever coined “Trophy Husband” …it doesn’t fit! It’s all about sensationalism, isn’t it? NO.
And I get it from a marketing standpoint, I just don’t agree with it. I’m thinking people would have still watched the story had they not gone with the negative angle and just showed Dads being Dads, like the 2nd video I posted did.
I enjoyed reading this but I don’t see what was so bad about the ABC piece. I do agree that dads get a bad rap on TV and commercials/ads etc. though 🙂
I think I would have liked to just see the story, without the monikers, cliches and silly video clips. I thought it was great that they were talking about it but was left wondering if it was just a way for them to pop in some advertising for What To Expect… I appreciate you reading it and sharing your thoughts! It’s always nice to get a comment notification in my email that isn’t spam, lol!
As long as I get a real trophy I’ll be OK with that name, unless it’s just some dopey name created by marketers and lazy copywriters.
What you said about everything.
Stupid names are stupid names. Trophy? Where did they get that angle? Besides, what is a trophy wife? I thought that referred to a millionaire who marries a supermodel, so conversely shouldn’t a trophy husband be someone like Ashton Kutcher? “Mr. Mom,” “Breadwinner,” etc…. all those names can just DIAF.
Anyways, well said. I’m surprised you didn’t mention the horrible ending, where the kid falls into the wall and cries just in time for Mommy to take over. You know, because men aren’t wired to take care of bumps and bruises. (a HUGE part of the territory for the first two years… it is impossible to be a SAHP and not know how to comfort a child who bumped her head.)
I decided to leave the ending out of it, but it was a completely unnecessary part of the story. I don’t even mind that they showed it because it did happen. I just think the way they said, good thing Mommy was there to make it all better, was silly.
I can’t watch the video from work but I don’t need to as you illustrated your points very well! I haven’t seen the movie either but again, your description paints a good picture.
It’s very frustrating! My husband was home with us for the first 4 months of my DDs life and he’s such a hands on dad. In fact he fits the bill of a ‘mom’ almost better than I do!
It’s offensive and very archaic to hear/see dads being depicted this way! Great post Chris!
Dads get such a bad wrap way too often! Involved Dads are the best kind of Dad there is! It makes me (and my hubby) very upset when Dads are painted in these ways!
Everyone is different! There are good Dads and well, not so good Dads, just the same as there are good Moms and not so good Moms!
Thanks! I totally agree about your point of good and bad of both sexes. I’m not even trying to paint Moms and Dads as the same because there are way more SAHM’s. I’m just tired of being portrayed as an imbecile or lesser parent.
Very interesting piece. For some reason society like to stereo-type people, I don’t see that changing any time soon. In the perfect world I would suggest that we all support each other in achieving to be the best dad or mom which we can possibly be. I think my husband is the best dad and he spends essentially zero time with the kids. Instead he is working double shifts just to keep us afloat. That’s our reality, so, I guess it is perception. I see what he does as a sacrifice and thank him for it.
And that’s another great point! Just because the husband is working double shifts, doesn’t mean he is less of a Dad or Husband. He is just another parent doing what needs to be done to provide for his family.
I hate to say this Chris but you are experiencing what women experienced since history began. Online we are “mom” bloggers and “dad” bloggers instead of just bloggers. We are all individuals who love our families and take the best route for ourselves. Unfortunately, until it becomes more commonplace, you’ll continue to hear these ridiculous comments.
And that’s what we’re trying to do in the Dad blog community. Hopefully people and brands will start to take notice. Thanks for your thoughts!
ya. I don’t love the “trophy-husband” thing … but I don’t love the “trophy-wife” label either.
I loved that last video you shared 🙂
Thanks Tara, I thought it was a great video as well!
I’m not down with the trophy-anything….unless of course I am being presented with an award, and then I totally accept!
For years, when our kids were little, I worked 12 hour night shifts as a nurse. My husband worked full time during the day. He never gave it a second thought to doing baths, homework, bedtime, breakfast, getting ready for school, etc etc….In fact, when they woke in the night, they ALWAYS cried for daddy, even if I was home. These kids belonged to both of us and who ever was there did what needed to be done.
These “labels’ are ridiculous, the only important thing is the kids!
Amen!
Great post Chris. I’d like to point out though that the piece is from the U.S. and I think what they were trying to convey is that more and more dads are staying home and are “Trophies” to their wives for doing all the incredible things they do, things for years (no offense) many men took for granted when the roles were women stay home and men go to work. They just didn’t do a very good job of making their point without making it a “OMG look something totally unprecedented) which it’s not.
I think more and dads over the past 10 years have realized not just the work involved that their wives do daily but the rewards and blessings. I know when my mom had her heart attack and my dad took over (and us kids were gone) he took on a new appreciation for everything she did.
I think your story is great, and as for the movie references… well those movies are supposed to be funny and there are dads who do NOT KNOW the first thing it takes to look after the kids on a regular basis, just as there are moms who are the same.
As for the word Trophy dad’s well as everyone else said, for some reason we have to give everything a name. Not sure why, maybe it makes us feel better to have labels. Either way daddy’s are enjoying themselves at home, enjoying their families and that’s always a good thing.
Thanks Jodi! I agree and my point was the same as yours, that the news did a bad job of covering this one by sensationalizing it with videos and cliches.
I know the movies are supposed to be funny, I’m fine with that. It’s the fact that they referenced the movie while describing the “New Dad” that irked me. I’d rather they didn’t compare the two at all.
I appreciate your comments!
I’ve never heard that term before- trophy husband. lol. I like at the end when he said that it’s not a challenge it’s an opportunity. I wish more men felt like that, heck, I wish my hubby felt more like that. parenting just doesn’t come as naturally for him.
Labeling. Stereotypes. When will they go away!?!?!
I think it’s awesome that Dads are more hands on these days. My husband is great at playing with and teaching his boys new things. I really appreciate him for doing that.
Well written Chris! Great points.
Oh this was a great post, well said. I have to bookmark this because this is exactly how my husband feels and he would totally relate. We both hate that in this society where things have changed for everyone in so many ways and the one thing that the “media,” tries to do is make it seem like dads spending time with their kids means they’re a trophy dad or that it’s rare that this happens, no, it means they’re a parent who loves their kids and can take care of them just as much as moms can. Great post!
Hi! Love the video. Those dads are fabulous. I have never met a trophy husband. Crazy!!
Paula
I have never heard of a trophy husband. I personally wouldn’t pay much mind to it. We have all heard of a trophy wife. Who is to say who is a trophy wife. I bet you would call your wife a trophy wife. Just a matter of opinion.
Just to clairfy the above comment I meant it will all due respect and not in any way any negative. I would like to think of a trophy wife as someone that fits perfectly for the husband. To he@@ with stereotyping.
They forgot the best part! While Mom reads a book for 30 minutes, Trophy Dad is out fighting crime! Yep, the vanilla sweater didn’t fool me, Clark Kent!
Chris, as bad as it may seem, it is SO MUCH BETTER than when I began as a SAHD a decade ago! My buddy Ted Rubin reminded me that we dads should stop whining and just get out there and DO IT. This was in response to a panel I was on that was all about the media portrayal of dads as goofs.
I’m proud of what I do. I’m proud or our community. MSM will catch on and Madison Avenue has already made HUGE forward strides.
We dads need to be counted…do you know how many SAHDs don’t call themselves that? What is with that?
I don’t know why Dads wouldn’t call themselves SAHD’s, it’s such a cool gig to have.
As far as not whining about the portrayals of SAHD’s and Dads in general in the media, I think there is a balance that can be struck. I don’t feel like I am whining about it, I think you have to at least bring the subject up for people to discuss. That’s the only way media knows that things might need to change.
I agree that the tide is turning but if you let off the gas, it starts to roll back down the hill. I’m not a pitchfork Dad, I just like to bring things to light when they strike me as odd.
Thanks for stopping by!
I think it should be normal that a dad takes care of his kids the same way as the mom, and there is nothing to swagger about or be ashamed of. But, people are different due to that very fact that their parents treated them differently (could be the reason why someone tries to relay “trophy husband” message) . As a daughter of a real manly man, I am proud that my dad could cook or stitch something for us if we, children, needed it.