Funniest Parenting Tweets of the Week!

I’m all for my children being imaginative and unconventional, but they have come up with something called the diarrhea tree and that’s enough creativity for one day.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 26, 2019

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they'll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger

— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) February 28, 2019

[playing 20 Questions]

Me: Animal?

Wife: Yes

Son: A horse!

Me: Don’t gues-

Wife: YES! A horse!

Me: *frowns wtf-ly* 🤨

— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) February 28, 2019

hey child-free people considering having kids, quick fyi. my kids routinely shove the tv remote down their pants to avoid having the other try to change the channel. just felt like you should know

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) February 26, 2019

Toddler: Want to play with me?

Me: Okay!

Toddler: Sit here.

Me: [sits] Okay.

Toddler: NO YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!

Me: Okayyyyyyyy.

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) February 25, 2019

3yo: Want to color with me?

Me: Sure!!!

3yo: What you doing ?

Me: Coloring

3yo: Don't color llike that

Me:

3yo: Just give me my crayons back…

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) February 28, 2019

[Playing hide-and-seek for an hour]

Young chameleon: Okay dad, I give up. I'm hungry.

Dad chameleon [suddenly appearing]: HEY HUNGRY I'M DAD-Ah dammit.

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) February 24, 2019

Shall I empty the garbage or let it overflow?

(Things my teenagers must briefly think before tossing more trash into the can.)

— Conversations With My Children is Feeling Tired (@Convokid22) March 3, 2019

*throws cheese at toddler’s face*

Wife: You’re doing that viral cheese challenge thing?

Me: ………….yes?

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 3, 2019

Me: SERIOUSLY DON’T EAT SNOW! You don’t know if a dog has pooped in that!

5: *Eating Snow*. Well mommy I KNOW a dog hasn’t pooped in this snow, because I can’t taste any poop.

Me: I feel like that’s not the best way to decide whether the snow you’re eating has dog poop in it.

— Goldfish and Chicken Nuggets (@gfishandnuggets) February 27, 2019

Okay…let's write alternative endings to kids' movies. It's a game…you can be morbid.
I'll start.

Moana drowns when she takes the boat out the first time and gets her foot stuck in the coral. The movie ends on a song about listening to your parents.

You go!

— Ohio mom of two (@OhioMomoftwo) February 26, 2019

My toddler LOVES his new big boy bed. He's super excited about it!

But not for like…sleeping in it. Cuz that would be a terrible idea, apparently.

— Emily Greene (@EmAsInMoney) March 2, 2019

One of my family's favorite things to do is spend time together. Well, not like in the same room. Separate rooms. On different devices. But definitely under the same roof. So you know, together.

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 28, 2019

It’s like my family doesn’t even appreciate that time I went rogue from the nav and reduced our ETA by 2 minutes.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 28, 2019

Who needs a doctor's appt to test your heart and reflexes when you can have your 1yo leave a drumstick in the middle of your bathroom floor and step on it in the middle of the night.

— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) February 25, 2019

Oh, dear child, I greatly admire your tenacity, your attention to detail & your organized argumentative logic…

But that IS your pee left on the toilet seat. And we both know it.

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) March 3, 2019

My 5 yr old this morning: "Daddy I know how to light a match."

In the writing business we call that foreshadowing.

— TJ Punch (@tj_punch) March 2, 2019

Me:[sleeping on couch]
Toddler: [throws ball]
Me:[ball hits my face]
Toddler: catch!

— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) February 26, 2019

Me: You’ve been watching TV for hours. Why don’t you try reading for a while?

Son: *turns on subtitles*

Me: That’s better

— The Dadvocate (@thedadvocate01) March 3, 2019