The Mystery Of The Magic Poo

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My son has been increasingly amused lately with the different terms associated with going to the bathroom. Toots, Poop, Poo, etc…He thinks they are all hilarious.

My wife and I have been trying to cut down on the potty talk outside of the bathroom and knowing this, my son has been choosing Potty books for his bedtime stories.

It’s rather brilliant really because he knows he can laugh at the word poo to his heart’s content, without getting in trouble. Honestly, I think he may be a genius.

Anyway, he started telling me a very random (and secretly hilarious) story about a Magic piece of Poo the other night. I should of stopped him but he’d clearly put a lot of thought into it and I like to let the kids creative juices flow.

I’m not going to share that story with you because it didn’t make a whole lot of sense. What it did though, was make me wonder whether I have ever seen this Magic Poo and not realized it.

I also realized just how much poop I see on any given day and it scared me a bit.

There’s the dude at work who never seems to remember that he just went to the “Public” bathroom or maybe he just doesn’t know how to flush.

How about the hundreds of dog owners who feel like it’s okay to just leave their dog’s droppings all over the ground, especially through the winter when it’s cold out.

You know that it doesn’t magically disappear overnight right? That stays all winter, in it’s perfect little cocoon until spring, when I have to smell it and scrape it off my kids shoes.

I’m pretty sure none of those poo’s have been of the magical variety but you never know.

The most likely candidates are probably the ones my kids leave lying around the house.

Let’s see, there’s the post bath nugget of joy I found in my daughter’s room after I let her run around in the nude for about 30 seconds.

It could be any one of the many offerings my son has left un-flushed because he doesn’t like to have his bum wiped.

But I’m guessing that if I’ve already come into contact with this mysterious magical poo, it has to be the time my daughter left the big brown shark in the bathtub with her brother.

You can imagine my horror upon hearing her say “poop” and then looking down and noticing it was too late. At that moment I knew that my children would be forever unclean. You can’t un-see something like that.

In the end (pun very much intended), my son believes there is a magical poo and I have no choice but to believe him and hope I never have to meet it.

Thanks for stopping by, feel free to leave a comment below and don’t forget to use the share buttons to warn all your friends of this mysterious creature.

Cheers!

11 Random Thoughts About Canadian Dad

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So here’s the deal, I’ve seen this “Tag You’re It” thing floating around the internet and figured it was just a matter of time before I was hit with it.

That moment came last night when my friend Brandy over at Insane Mamacita tagged me in her post. Here’s the rules.

1) Post these rules.
2) You must post 11 random things about yourself by answering the questions set for you in the post you were tagged in.
3) Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
4) Go to their blog and tell them you’ve tagged them.
5) You legitimately have to tag 11 people. (Or as many as you know…(Canadian Dad edit))

I’m certainly not “Too Cool For School” so I’ve come up with some answers to her questions and here they are!

1) What is your dream job?

Although it would be nice to be an actor or a stock room clerk at a candy store, my ultimate dream job would be Rock Star for sure. The long hair, the leather pants, oh yeah baby!!

2) If you could choose, would you rather be deaf or blind? Why?

The world has so much to see, so I would absolutely choose to have my sight. Obviously I would choose neither and instead I would find a way to gain super hero powers that allowed me to fight crime with all senses. Also, have you heard babies scream??? Sight it is!

3) What song best suits your life (i.e. what is your theme song)?

There is no clear answer to this one as my life is a montage of different music. I guess if I had to narrow it down though….

Creep – Radiohead (This is how I used to feel most of the time)
I’m Sexy & I Know It – LMFAO (This is how I feel today)
My Hero – Foo Fighters (This song makes me think of my Dad)
Slide – Goo Goo Dolls (This is what I was singing at Karaoke when I reeled in my wife)
Grow Old With You – Adam Sandler (This is the song I sang to her when I proposed)
Twinkle, Twinkle – Daddy (This is the song my kids love over all others)

I could go on forever but you get the point! I dig music!

4) If money was no object and you could do whatever you wanted, what would your perfect day look like?

THIS!

5) Do you prefer baths or showers?

I’ll assume this question was geared for the ladies but I’ll engage. I love showers BUT there are some things that would make me reconsider this option. If the bath was made up of any of the following things:

– Chocolate Sauce (Obvious one)
– Melted Marshmallows (Hot, I know but so good)
– Cinnamon Toast Crunch (Not comfortable or sanitary but delicious)
– Crown Royal (I would have to go to sleep immediately afterwards though)
– Pizza, Ribs, Hockey & Chicken Wings (I don’t know how this would work but….HEAVEN!!!)

6) What is your favourite book?

Another tough one, so many books come to mind….Here’s a short list of favorites:

– The Bourne Trilogy – Robert Ludlum (Great Stuff!)
– The Hockey Sweater – Roch Carrier (Stupid parents buy their kid a Leafs jersey! Habs rule! Leafs suck!)
– Dora’s Potty Book (On my daily reads list!)
– Birdman & The Treatment – Mo Hayder (The best One-Two punch I’ve ever read! Hayder is a sick, sick woman)
– The Hockey News (Yep, it’s a magazine about hockey and I am a man. Do the math!)

As you can tell, I don’t read a lot of books that have any kind of substance, lol. Sue me!

7) What is the craziest thing you have ever done?

Admittedly, I’m not much of a risk taker. No sky diving or para-sailing for this guy, especially not since having kids.

I guess my answer would be between swimming with Sting Rays and having kids, LOL. (Note: I tried out and got through a couple rounds on Canadian Idol but I don’t know if I consider that crazy.)

8 ) What is your favourite TV show of all time and why?

Cmon, these questions are unfair! There are so many shows that define me. My official answer is “Lost” of course but here are some others:

– Saved By The Bell (Classic!!)
– King of Queens (Fave comedy)
– The League (Sports nerd show, the funniest on TV right now)
– Every reality show on TV (Yes, that includes The Bachelorette and Jersey Shore!)

9) What was your favourite toy as a kid?

Original Nintendo. That’s it. There were no other toys.

10) What do you do when (you think) no one is looking?

DANCE BABY!!!

11) Describe yourself in a single sentence.

Would you like some Fries with that Shake?

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I tagged some people below but because of my severe lack of online friends, I have included this video interview with my kids as a backup plan. Enjoy!

Okay, so my turn to tag some people on this one….I don’t know 11 bloggers, so I’ll tag those who I do know.

Tales Of Mommyhood

Dad To Day MOMents

Whispered Inspirations

Questions for them! (I am very unoriginal lazy…)

1) What SuperHero would you be if you could choose one? You could make one up if you want!
2) What is your dream job?
3) Who is your favorite Canadian Dad TV Dad?
4) Where is your ultimate vacation destination?
5) What do you do when you think no one is watching?
6) What reality show would you be on if you could pick one?
7) Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?
8 ) What could you do better as a parent?
9) What/Who’s music inspires you?
10) What is your favorite activity to do with your kids?
11) Tell us something interesting about you that very few people know about?

TAG! You’re It!!

Giving “Woot Woot” The Boot Boot – #BootTheWoot

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The Concise Oxford English Dictionary defines WOOT as a word used to express elation, enthusiasm, or triumph.

Wait…WHAT?! This word is in the Concise Oxford English Dictionary???

I don’t know about you but when I took English in high school, my book report’s were full of Shakespeare and Mordecai Richler. I had no idea what was going on in those books and that’s why I repeated Grade 12 English 3 times….

With this new wave of ridiculous and confusing words, how am I supposed to help my children with their book report’s when the materialwill be the likes of “Justin Bieber’s Woot Woot Holla” and “Tracey’s #Twittatastic #Twittcrastination”?

Another problem I have with “Wooting”, is that in order to fit in new words, the Concise Oxford English Dictionary has to eliminate words.

Do you know what word they eliminated to make room?

DO YOU?!?!

It was the word Growlery. Do you know what a growlery is? I do because I have had one.

A Growlery is a “place to growl in, private room, den”. Where are me and my buddies going to growl at now?

Once I had calmed down, I emerged from my newly crowned “Wootery” and came up with this list of 5 new terms I would like to see added to the Concise Oxford English Dictionary, so that us men can claim back some of our manhood.

1. Couching – Not the embroidery tactic either, I would have that removed first. Couching is what Daddy wants to do after a long day at the office (after play time of course). Couching most likely involves watching sports or wrestling.

2. DisPinterested – A word to express a Man’s feelings towards Pinterest. Nuff Said.

3. Gameril – A medication, to be invented at a later date, to help men deal with an unexpected extended absence from the ability to play video games.

4. Man-O-Tron – {Multiple Meanings} a) used to describe a man who uses his ability to see things that only other men can see without actually looking directly at the object eg. Dude, you went so Man-O-Tron back there. b) a fictional robot that does a man’s chores for him. c) the nerdy awesome user name all men fight over in video game forums.

5. Bearpunch – A slang term to remind men what to do if they find themselves face to face with a bear or larger man.

I have submitted my list to the fine folks at the Concise Oxford English Dictionary and hope to hear back soon.

In the meantime, I hope my message is clear. I encourage all of you to join my efforts to “Give The Boot To The Woot!”

You can join me on Twitter @CanadianDadBlog as I launch my campaign to #BootTheWoot and please feel free to share your #BootTheWoot stories in the comments section!

Help me to build a brighter, Wootless world for our children!

Cheers!

New Feature – “Ask Dad”

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I’ve decided to add a new feature here at Canadian Dad. It’s a segment I like to call “Ask Dad” and is open to everyone from all walks of life.

I’ll be taking questions and then posting the best answers I can think of at some point each week. You can ask about anything you feel like, be it Serious, Ridiculous or Straight Up Insane and I will answer them to the best of my serious/humorous abilities.

Do you want to know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

Interested in finding out how to be more awesome??? Ask Dad! I’ll tell you!

You can send all your questions to [email protected] and I’ll go through and pick out the best ones from each week.

Don’t want to email, send me a tweet with the #askdad and make sure to include my handle @canadiandadblog and I’ll grab them from there as well!

Now start asking, my mind is exploding with knowledge!!!

Cheers!!

Why Can’t I Be Spider-Man For Once?

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Imagine a world where you could swing from tall building to tall building. A place where you were counted on by millions to save the day! You could have your own statue and people would chant your name in the streets as you swung on by.

That’s the world I dreamt about one day having, but those dreams have since come crashing down. You see, my young son also has aspirations of swinging from building to building as the amazing Spider-Man and that’s where my dreams end.

Have you ever tried to rationalize with a 3 year old? It goes something like this.

Me: “Hey Luke, what color is this orange?”
Luke: “Umm, Blue.”
Me: “No, it’s orange.”
Luke: “BLUE!”

And so on and so on. You can imagine the way the debate goes when he’s arguing for something he really wants. In this article’s case, it’s the chance to become Spider-Man for our daily super hero showdown.

Sure I could pick from any number of other super heroes but it’s just not the same. Here’s how I break down the other choices.

Batman is cool and all but he’s so dark that people don’t want to hang out with him or cheer his name. They’re more afraid that he could snap at any minute and go rogue on all their asses. Not to mention his alter ego, Bruce Wayne, is a complete jackass playboy millionaire. Actually, that doesn’t sound so bad…

Superman would probably be my number 3 option but that’s most likely due to the fact that the actor who played him, Christopher Reeve, has a name very similar to my own. Also, Superman’s alter ego, Clark Kent, is a little too weird for me. Grow some balls man and stop being such a klutz dude!

Iron Man is relatively new to the scene, Ironman seems like someone to keep an eye on for all you superhero dad’s out there. I like the cut of his jib, in and out of costume. Tony Stark seems like a cool cat, albeit a little neurotic. The only issue is that people still aren’t sure about Iron Man, so the glory part is missing. In the end, I usually pick Iron Man as my go to guy when my Spiderman dreams go south.

Cat Woman would be an excellent choice but I am missing one key element which keeps me from becoming Catwoman and I’m sure you can probably guess what it is. That’s correct, I don’t have a cat suit. Nuts.

As you can see from the above breakdown, none of these options is even close to being as cool as Spiderman. He has so much to offer and I feel like we are a lot alike.

For instance,

– Peter Parker works as a photographer for the Daily Bugle, while I sometimes add pictures to my blog.
– Spider-Man often saves the world by foiling other super villain’s plans, while at my day job, I save the world by helping to put petty criminals behind bars.
– Peter Parker is kind of nerdy but also sticks up for himself when he needs to, and I often find myself in situations where I should speak up. Plus I am also a nerd.
– Finally, Spider-Man is loved by all and has droves of fans all over the world, while that is how I am perceived by all as well. At least in my own fantasy land, called Chris-Ville (Facebook game coming to a screen near you).

I wish there was a way for me to get this across to my son. He doesn’t even know who Spider-Man is. He’s never seen the movie, tv show or comics. He only knows about Spider-Man from Halloween so I don’t see how it’s fair the he always gets to portray him.

If the world needed a real super hero to save them, would they choose a 3 year old or a slightly overweight grown man. Sure I’m a little short and I use the term “slighty” overweight loosely but c’mon man, a 3 year old?

Something has to give, but so far, my attempts to get him interested in other super heroes have fallen by the wayside. He is firm in his belief that he is in fact Spider-Man as I am forced to continue selecting second rate super heroes.

Do your kids have a favorite character they like to be? Do you know how to get my son to hate Spider-Man? Please, I’m begging you to let me know what I need to do to get this done. Let me know in the comments section.

Also, please feel free to share this post with your favorite social media outlet. I am on so many sites now, I don’t know which way is up. Pin Me I guess…..I don’t get Pinterest yet.

Cheers!

Warner Bros. – The Dark Knight Rises – Trailer

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This has nothing to do with anything, except to let you in on something that I am giddy with excitement about. This movie is going to blow your mind!

Cheers!

Wisdom Imparted To Me By My 3 Year Old Son

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Kids are wonderful creatures. Their imaginations put most adults to shame and their lack of knowledge makes for some interesting conversations.

For that reason, I’ve compiled a list of things that my son believes to be true and there will be no convincing him otherwise.

Without further ado, here’s what I’ve learned.

#1 – Pinocchio’s character originates from the movie Shrek and NOT from either the 1883 children’s novel or the 1940 Disney classic. End of argument!

#2 – Boys have weiners and Girls have nooners. Common knowledge I know, but he feels the need to share this tidbit every few days.

#3 – Toots are hilarious, no matter the time or place they happen. I was already aware of this one but wanted to include it for those of you who had forgotten.

#4 – I am not allowed to be Spiderman. He is always Spiderman and I have to pick from the leftover super heroes. Note: He’s never seen Spiderman other than in toy form. Also, I wish I could be Spiderman.

#5 – Sharing is optional when he has something but is mandatory when he wants something.

#6 – No matter what episode of The Backyardigans I choose to play from the PVR, it’s the wrong one. There are 32 episodes on there and only one is correct each time.

#7 – Nana brings Donuts, therefore Nana is more valuable than Mommy and Daddy.

#8 – Going to WalMart means we’re either getting McDonald’s or Toys. There are no other reasons to go to WalMart.

#9 – Hide and Seek is still fun if you hide in the same place every time. Also, if you’re not found in 3 seconds, it is acceptable to stand up and say “Here I am!”

#10 – Hockey is boring but dropping rocks in sewers is amazing!

#11 – Banana’s are gross! So are grapes, strawberries, oranges, carrots, cucumbers, broccoli, blueberries and any food with colours in them.

#12 – If at first you don’t succeed, move on to something else. I’m working on this one….

#13 – Every game is called “I Win”, even if there are no winners and losers. Ex: Putting the last piece in a puzzle you do together is a win for you. I do not ever get to put the last piece in.

That’s all for now! As you can see, I’ve learned so much in my short term as a parent that it’s hard to keep track of it all.

I know there’s much more to learn from him and maybe I’ll revisit this when I have enough knowledge to share with you all.

Do your kids have any fun beliefs? Feel free to share them in the comments section and as always, don’t be afraid to share and tweet this post if you feel so inclined.

Cheers!!

Sh*t My Kids Say #4 – Kids Don’t Listen

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Kids are funny people. They really have no concept of right or wrong, they don’t know not to call people fat or stupid and they have no idea how hilarious their imaginary stories are to adults.

That has led me to create a section here at Canadian Dad called “Sh*t My Kids Say”. I know, I know, it’s a semi dirty word but this is my blog and I’ll swear if I want to, LOL.

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I took my son to a place called Funhaven today but before we left, I witnessed first hand just how easy it is for kids to not pay attention to anything you are saying. Here’s our conversation from earlier today.

D: “C’mon buddy, let’s get going”

L: “Where are we going Daddy?”

D: “To a new place called Funhaven!”

L: “Do they have toys?”

D: “I don’t think so”

L: “Can I play MarioKart later?”

D: “Ummm, I guess so but that has nothing to do with Funhaven”

L: “Oh okay, are we going to Daniel’s house?”

D: “Why would we go to Daniel’s house?”

L: **Blank Expression**

D: “We’re going to Funhaven, it’s like a giant indoor park”

L: “Dora? What about Boots?”

D: “Huh? I said inDOOR, not Dora!”

L: “Do they have toys? Can I bring my new coloring book?”

D: “Just get in the car!”
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I’m guessing had I continued to humour him, that this conversation could have gone on for the whole day! It’s funny because it’s not like he was watching TV or anything, he just straight up wasn’t paying attention to anything I was saying. Frustrating times for sure, LOL!

In case you’re interested, here’s my Review of our FunHaven experience from today.

Cheers!!

Dear Caillou, What’s Your Deal?

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A part of the reason I was excited to learn that I was going to become a father was because I knew that I finally had a reason to watch cartoons without being ridiculed by my wife.

I liked shows like Family Guy and South Park so the transition should have been an easy one. How much different could cartoons get anyway?

I knew about Barney and The Wiggles already and was fine with them but nothing could have prepared me for the first time I watched Caillou with my son.

I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a rainy day and my son had woken up extra early, I’m guessing because it was Daddy’s day to get up with him. I flicked on the TV, which is auto set to go straight to the Treehouse Channel, and there he was. This funny looking 4 year old with no hair and a catchy theme song.

From the moment he opened his mouth and revealed that nasally whine, I knew him and I were going to have a compatibility issue. My son liked him though so we kept on watching.

Episode after episode, I was forced to listen to Caillou whine about everything from brushing his teeth to wanting a cookie, while his parents did nothing but provide half-assed attempts to get him to learn his manners.

I don’t completely blame the parents though. I mean, my kid is almost 4 and he understands why he can’t have a cookie right before dinner. If he were to throw a fit about it, he would get a timeout and an explanation afterwards.

Caillou’s biggest issue seems to be a lack of discipline but that’s expected when you are being raised by parents who seem to be stuck in the 60’s. Think about it, they are clearly high a majority of the time. They never get frustrated, never fight, never raise their voices even. Caillou is living the dream in that household.

Around the time I found myself starting to yell at the parents to do something, anything to shut him up, I realized that my kid was picking up this behaviour and adapting it as his own. The last time any of us watched Caillou, was the day my son came into the kitchen and said to my wife, “Give me a cookie!!”, which was a particularly disturbing scene where the Mom inevitably gives in and pays up.

Caillou, you’re on the banned show list, along with Teletubbies and that one where Ernie & Bert fly around in the magic bed??? Seriously, what is that show? I’m pretty sure in the theme song, Bert says “This is kind of kinky”?!

Back on topic. Dear Caillou, until you can get through two consecutive episodes without have a giant whining temper tantrum, my family will be boycotting your show.

Dear Caillou’s parents, grow some balls and punish the kid. He’s running all over you and you just stand there like imbeciles. You’re a cartoon, you can do whatever you want. Please, I’m begging you to do something. I don’t spank my kids but there’s always exceptions to the rule and cartoons seem to be a pretty good exception. Get Er Dun!

What show’s are on your banned list? I’d love to hear about it in the comments section below!

Cheers!

Can My Child’s Artwork Get Me Arrested?

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For the most part, my goal with this blog is to write about the things that amuse me about fatherhood. That doesn’t mean that sometimes I don’t get the urge to write about other things that catch me offguard.

That urge struck me yesterday when reading this article in the online news version of The Record.

The story is about a father (Jessie Sansone) who was arrested while picking up his 4 year old daughter from school because she drew a picture of a man holding a gun. When asked about the photo, the girl replied “That’s my daddy’s. He uses it to shoot bad guys and monsters.”

Sansone was strip searched at the police station and three of his children were taken to Family and Children’s Services to be interviewed.

Several hours after being humiliated in front of the entire school, a detective apologized and said Sansone was being released with no charges. Sansone was also asked to sign a paper authorizing a search of his home, where police found no real guns but did find this plastic gun.

I understand the school’s need to deal with this information in a very serious manner. With all of the craziness going on in schools today, I would be outraged if something like this went without being brought up. My problem is with the way the situation was handled.

Sansone recounts that he was not even warned at the school, he simply showed up to get his daughter and they cuffed him, strip searched him and embarassed him in front of his whole community. “My family has been tarnished. My name has been tarnished,” Sansone said.

I can only picture this happening to me and it makes me wonder why they didn’t just call the police and set up a meeting with Sansone to discuss it privately and then decide if action was required?

Imagine going to pick up your 4 year old kid from kindergarten and getting ambushed out of nowhere and rushed into a police car in handcuffs. How would that make you feel? How would it look to all the other parents, kids and community members who witnessed it? How would you ever fix your reputation at that point?

You know how it goes, once your accused of something, you’ll always be the guy that was involved in that scandal, regardless of the outcome. It’s unfortunate but true.

Really, what this story did, is make me rethink my whole parenting philosophy. We play with super soakers in the summertime and the whole neighbourhood joins in. We’ve had some really fun house to house battles but is it really worth it? Does this same fate await me or one of my neighbours? What other things do I do as a parent without realizing the consequences? It’s a scary thought.

What are your thoughts about the way this went down? Do you think the school and police were right in the way they handled the situation or do you think there may have been a more discreet way to deal with it? Let me know in the comments section and thanks for reading!
Cheers!