Diagnosis: Fat!

I was hanging out with some friends the other day (yes, I have friends). As we always do, we were telling the same old recycled stories we always do, while laughing at them as hard as we always do.

It occurred to me, in that moment, that my new blog has given me a new venue to tell these stories and I thought I would share one with you right now.

It all began with some back pain.

I had been experiencing some pretty severe hip and back pain for a few months before I finally decided to go to the doctor to discuss it.

He did some tests but in the end decided it would be best for me to see a specialist.

I’m going to interrupt the story here to let you know that for about 3 years, I dealt with a pretty intense bout of hypochondria. I probably visited the emergency room more than some doctors and that’s no lie.

So to hear that I was going to see a specialist was both good and bad news.

The good news was that I was going to see the magical specialist who would fix all my problems and send me on my way.

The bad news was that my doctor didn’t know what was wrong and I was going to a specialist because I was most likely going to die.

5 months later…my turn in the specialist appointment line had come. I waited patiently in the bacteria pit and taunted the other patients with my strut as my name was called.

I gave the doctor my test results and he looked them over in a very serious manner. He asked questions about my work life and general habits which I feel I answered to the best of my abilities.

After what felt like an hour (probably more like 3 minutes), he was ready for the diagnosis. Here is a word for word account of the results.


Doctor: “Okay, so here’s what I want you to do”

Me: (Very excited at the possibility of recovery) “Okay, I’m listening” (Notepad and pen ready because I forget things)

Doctor: “I need you to go to a Wal-Mart or Department Store”

Me: “Okay, great!”

Doctor: “You’re going to go in there and you’re going to want to buy yourself a good scale”

Me: “Scale. Got it!” (Huh? He’s a doctor, so we soldier on, no questions asked)

Doctor: “Then you’re going to go home and stand on it. Then write down the number.”

Me: “Write down the number. Check!”….”Like my weight, you mean?”

Doctor: “Yeah, your weight. After that, I want to you to get on it again each day and make the number equal less than the day before”

Me: (Pathetic, fat, hypochondriac finally gets the message) “Yes sir…”


At first I was mortified at the response and even a little angry. That was actually one of the first times in my life I had been called fat and I’ll never forget it.

It was also one of the first moments that made me realize how ridiculous my obsession with dying had become. I can’t say I’ve done the best job with his advice from that day but I have managed to conquer my anxiety towards death and that’s a big step for me…and for my wife, who I’m sure was getting tired of all the complaining!

Don’t worry, I still complain. The difference is that now I complain about real issues, like why I have to do dishes or why the cars drive so fast on our street when there are so many kids outside playing.

In the end, the angry from the diagnosis subsided at about the same time that I told the story to my friends for the first time. The laughter that ensued at my expense made me grateful to have had the experience at all.

Hope you all have a great day!!!


57 replies
  1. Christine
    Christine says:

    Not gonna lie. I would have probably cried if my doctor told me that. I love the humour in your posts. I think this is one of the main reasons I love your blog so much.

    • Chris
      Chris says:

      Thanks Christine, you spoil me as usual! The minute my friends pointed and laughed in my face, I knew it was a story worth telling, haha.

    • Chris
      Chris says:

      My Wii Fit also cried when I stood on it. I know Nintendo put the feature in to be funny but I never played it since. Jokes on them I guess, lol.

  2. Rachel (@mominworkPJs)
    Rachel (@mominworkPJs) says:

    Love it, I wouldn’t know if I should cry, laugh or slap him 🙂 I actually don’t own a scale *gasp*

  3. LaQuita (Just Us Girls)
    LaQuita (Just Us Girls) says:

    Wow, I’m with Christine, I would have burst into tears right then and there if the doctor would have told me that and then I would have gotten really pissed too, lol.

    Let me just say, your posts are just, awesome. I love the sense of humor in your stories and how well thought out they are. This definitely brings in readers who will stay and keeping checking your blog daily, myself included! 🙂

  4. Kelly @ City Mom
    Kelly @ City Mom says:

    Oh Chris you’re not alone! I am such a hypochondriac but I believe I have good reason to be. Once when I thought I had something wrong I did and I was in emergency surgery 7 days after my first doctor’s appointment. It’s scarred me for life!

    And PS. You’re not fat!! 🙂

    • Chris
      Chris says:

      Thanks for the not fat comment, I appreciate it. As for your story about weird feelings actually turning out to be something, shhhhhh….: )

    • Chris
      Chris says:

      Good for you! I’ve been doing my best to just keep the number the same. But if it does go up, it’s all muscle 😉

  5. Alexandra the Tsaritsa
    Alexandra the Tsaritsa says:

    I always think I’m dying, too. It’s that damned WebMD that screwed us all up, because suddenly every little ache or pain equates to cancer.

    Funny story, though, thanks for the laugh 🙂

    • Chris
      Chris says:

      My family doc actually prescribed that I stopped googling things on the internet every time I felt something, lol. Excellent idea.

  6. SoberJulie
    SoberJulie says:

    bahahahaha sorry couldn’t help it 😉 I’d be furious if a doc said that to me, of course as a woman they’d probably sugar coat it to make it easier for me to swallow.

    • Chris
      Chris says:

      I’m not so sure this guy would have. He’s a big time surgeon so I’m sure he’s seen way more serious cases than mine. Ah well, fat it is I guess 😛

  7. Gerry
    Gerry says:

    I have a story like yours. Threw out my back and went to the doctor. He gave me a “treatment”, kinda chiropractic, and the only thing he said to me was “lose weight; you’re hurting your back”. Sweet.

  8. Katrina Brady
    Katrina Brady says:

    I am killing myself laughing! Obviously, that’s not a funny way to hear someone say you could lose weight but…I probably would of been mortified and angry that he didn’t just come out with it. Perhaps “alls well that ends well”?

  9. Kevin Linkie
    Kevin Linkie says:

    Oh good lordie lmao your hardly fat. I would go for a second opinion in case of the dreaded misdiagnosis LMAO!!

    Sheesh glad i don’t have your doc.

    Kevin 🙂

    LOL hilarious post

    • Chris
      Chris says:

      Thanks Kevin, I’m still waiting to get in for that 2nd opinion. It`s been 6 years on the list, lol! Go health care!!!

  10. Grace
    Grace says:

    Oh my god, that’s the funniest thing I’ve heard in a while. I don’t think I would have cried but I might have knocked something over onto him. He’s funny. A jackhole, but funny.

    My doctor told me my knee hurts because women over 40 have a problem with the cartilage behind their knee softening up. They don’t know why this only happens to women. So I said. “Let me make sure I have this right. You’re saying that my knee hurts because I’m turning into an old woman?!!!!!” He changed the subject really fast.

  11. Stacey
    Stacey says:

    I shouldn’t be laughing and would probably be crying along with everyone else, but it is a little funny 🙂 Thanks for sharing!

  12. Pam
    Pam says:

    I hate it when I am told that I am over weight. Good for you to take it with a grain of salt, I would of been very sad/angry.

  13. Trina
    Trina says:

    OMG I laughed at that! I remember the time I had gallstones when I was pregnant. I lost 8 pounds and was worried about the baby’s health. He pretty much told me that I could get lost in the woods without food or drink for a week and the baby would still be fine!

  14. Nancy
    Nancy says:

    Oh man, you look great! But, it’s never a bad thing to get healthier to feel better not to look better. What a laugh though, you are hilarious! I think I would have cried in the car. LOL.

  15. Brooke
    Brooke says:

    OH my gosh that is so funny. I am with you, a massage therapist told me I wouldn’t get so sore working out if I lost weight and worked out MORE.

  16. Gord
    Gord says:

    I found a secret about scales. After a while of steady usage the battery gets weaker( not a brillant discovery by any means) but the good thing is that the scales will continue to weigh lighter as the battery weakens and when it finally quits just change them out for another set of used batteries, its a confidence builder at the best.

    • Chris
      Chris says:

      Haha, thanks Gord, I think that is something I might start using. Now I just need to find someone who knows how to change batteries…

  17. AlwaysARedhead
    AlwaysARedhead says:

    Sorry but I believe the doctor was an ass. It took me two years before the surgeon finally believed me that my disc had herniated, and by then it was too late, he had to go in twice because it was such a mess and was never able to fix me, the damage was done.

  18. Brian Stephens
    Brian Stephens says:

    Aaaahahaha! A scale…go buy a scale, he says! That’s a good one! Oh, I’m laughing with you, not at you.

    That is hysterical. I like to think that if I actually went to the doctor, that I’d have a good one like yours with a sense of humor. Good luck with making the number go down. I’m on the same journey myself, although it’s more like a roller coaster ride than a slide.

  19. Shari G
    Shari G says:

    Well that was actually a lot nicer than what my dad got from one of the doctors in our family doctors clinic. He was known for being straightforward. He went to give me a needle of gravol when I was sick and I said I couldn’t I would pass out, he told me to suck it up and stop acting like a baby. I was like 14 and he said I just had a 3 yr old in here who carried on less. It worked for me, but not so much for dad.

    He looked over dad’s complaints, his history, and looked at him and said “You’re fat. Go home and lose weight”. Well my dad was made went to our family doctor and he had to kindly inform Dad that the diagnosis was sound. Dad took better to that then the first guy.

  20. Loukia
    Loukia says:

    This post is funny! 🙂
    As IF, though. You’re not fat! But, a relief to hear something like that, rather than what your imagination was… imagining? I’m a hypochondriac too. It sucks. 🙁

    • Chris Read
      Chris Read says:

      Thanks for the “not fat” comment. I could definitely stand to lose a few pounds but what drove me there was my crazy anxiety and not my weight. I think he knew that too from looking at my chart.

  21. Justin- Writing Pad Dad
    Justin- Writing Pad Dad says:

    First off, having a constant fear of dying is no joke and not funny, so I am very glad to hear you’re doing better with that! Having said that, your title is hilarious! And, you’re in good company! I have the same diagnosis! I lost 35 pounds but have now gained most of them back, you know, over the holidays. And, by “over the holidays” I mean starting back at Memorial Day and running up until now! Hey, it’s a new year! No worries!

    Justin- Writing Pad Dad
    Follow my blog!
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  22. Sylvia
    Sylvia says:

    Just to be really clear…

    Your experience and many other’s echoing similar treatment is completely unacceptable.

    No one person’s diagnosis line should be: “fat”.
    If you present at a physician’s office and are quickly dismissed with, “lose weight”, you need to file a complaint with that physician’s regulatory board.

    Physicians take an oath to, “do no harm”. Dismissing the issue(s) you present with is wreckless. You may not have come to harm after your visit – what about next time? What about your neighbour?
    I won’t even start in about the horrendous things said to pregnant women.

    Take action. This is a serious issue.


Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. […] the grocery store to complain about it, mostly due to laziness. The other side was me picturing a slightly overweight Dad at the grocery store, arguing about a missing mini Kit Kat…Yeah, who to […]

  2. […] I guess I should tell you a little about myself. I’ve worked a grueling shift at my job for the past three years, that has taken it’s toll on me physically, mentally and pretty much in every other imaginable way. Because of this, I have let myself slip a bit in the last few years. Did you know at one time, I was a very high level fastball player? Those days have long since come and gone. In fact, if you’re new to the blog, you might enjoy the time my Doctor told me that I Was Fat… […]

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